A few months ago during clinical supervision, I brought up some personal issues for discussion with my therapist. He pointed out that I had been coming from scarcity rather than abundance. Since then, I’ve been working on focusing more on the gifts in situations that appear to be negative. Through the process, I discovered how easy it is to let myself slip and get caught up in negativity.
That’s why a consistent practice of nurturing our mental-emotional wellbeing is so vital in managing stress levels and ensuring that we maintain a good presence of mind to deal with the normal stresses of life. The danger of over-exerting ourselves is that we can convince ourselves we can handle more than we’re capable of. Excesses in lifestyle such as over-consumption of ‘good food’, substance abuse, over-working, over-sleeping or any self-harming activities can go on for years before we realise the toil it has taken on us. By then, we’re likely to have set into a very negative mindset, because such excesses tend to sap us of any energy left to nurture ourselves properly.
By then, we’re also more prone to confuse our motivations. In our attempts to make ourselves feel better, we may seek validation from others and act out our neediness. The mentality of scarcity has set in. We may obsess over something someone said or did – trying to extract the last drop of validation to fill a bottomless pit.
It’s a bit like the hungry ghost who gobbles up food that never reaches his stomach, so that no matter how much he takes in it can never satiate his hunger. The ghost is condemned to forever find food to fill his stomach even though the outcome is predictable. He is miserable because he is trapped in an eternity of seeking food and knowing that it will never take away the hunger – settling for that brief moment of promise when he’s about to put food into his mouth. Rather than finding other ways to end his misery, he continues to do what will only prolong his misery.
Finding a way out of this space can be difficult, but once you find the door, it can be a breeze. One of the ways I’ve found to be helpful is to allow myself to be spiritually-moved. It requires me to drop deeper into my being, beyond all the muck I’ve accumulated, and find my spirit. My spirit is the part of me that is undamaged and unchanged by any harshness in life. Then I allow myself to feel movement from the depth of me as I focus on something positive that someone has expressed, something that’s happened to me, or something I’ve done which has stretched me. I focus on this until I feel an expansion of my spirit.
Your whole world can change by practising this. In the analogy of the hungry ghost, I like to think that spiritual expansion will do wonders in evolving him into a higher form of spirit that does not feel hunger! For us, finding a moment to break through the madness we’ve created can change our perception of what is manageable and what is not.
To further counter negative thinking, you can easily adopt a habit of focusing on what you gain rather than what you’ve lost in every situation that appears to be negative. Even if it may seem that you have lost something, you can tap into the deeper gift of it. A lifetime of focusing on the negative is how we’ve come to develop a mentality of scarcity. As such, you may find it challenging to see abundance when it’s there. Look closer and deeper. It is there. And don’t just see it. Bring the feeling of abundance into your whole being. Breathe it into the part of you that is trying to push it away until you’ve fully-accepted it as abundance in your life. Let the feeling grow to one of joy and vastness.
In the pursuit of spiritual growth, meeting and learning from the people we come across through our work and social life remains one of the most enriching experiences. Who we surround ourselves with can make a big difference between staying stuck and realising our full potential. The power of that lies in us: we can hang out with people who aren’t growing or we seek the company of those who inspire us to better ourselves.
Of course, we can also learn from those who are stuck. By observing how they live we remind ourselves how we don’t want to live, which would give us more focus and clarity about how we do want to live. Moreover, we can use the emotional responses we have towards them to understand ourselves better.
But learning from someone you admire and respect gives you another level of growth. If you’re lucky enough to meet someone who inspire you because of what they’ve accomplished in life whilst staying true to their deep personal values – one who seeks continued growth and is generous in sharing his knowledge – you stand to gain much for your personal growth.
Today, I said goodbye to one such person in my life. Steve Wyer had been our lead therapist for a year and he returns to the U.K. today. I have seen myself grow tremendously as a therapist and as a person since knowing him. Let me take stock of what had made our relationship work….
How to Recognise a Good Potential Teacher
For a start, Steve has a way of feeding back to me my shortcomings, weaknesses, limitations, excesses or discrepancies – in a way that makes me want to hear it and able to accept it. He does this in an honest but caring way.
He leads by example of what he has accomplished for himself. Unlike many so-called teachers who preach from an insincere place, Steve speaks from his own experiences. He has turned his own life around powerfully – by not copping-out, taking full responsibility and stepping up to become who he is today.
With Steve, what you see is what you get. He is humble and openly admits to his own shortcomings. He does not wear his past struggles like a badge of honour. He shares only with the intention of helping others.
Like me, Steve is committed to growth. He strives for experiences that push him to be better and more whole as a person. I’ve seen how quickly he is able to check in on himself and make changes to the way he thinks and responds to a situation. Through him, I’ve learnt that change is not only truly possible but easier than I’d feared.
Steve is skilled in the art of subtlety (though this may seem unimaginable when you first meet him and if you take him at face value). He is open and honest, yet brilliant in getting through to people using subtlety. Through him, I learned to have a greater appreciation of the subtle shades in every situation.
Finding a teacher is not easy and the best teacher is often ‘an unlikely teacher’ with whom we come into contact unexpectedly and without our setting out to find one. But even the best teachers will not give you the learnings you need unless you know how to be a good student.
How to be a Good Student
Firstly, you must want to grow. The drive to grow is inherent in all of us but sometimes buried under a pile of negativity if our lives were overtaken by our struggles to get out of unwanted situations. Our drive to eradicate struggling becomes more eminent than the drive to become the best we can be. Sometimes, the struggle to be free from unwanted situations can be a manifestation of the drive to grow – the difference being that the former is focused on changing the situations while the latter is focused on changing the self.
As soon as you make this shift in focus, you take responsibility to look at what you can do, what is within your power to change. It gives you back a sense of control in your life because you are now focused on your abilities and strengths. Once you do that, more options become available to you, and you can calmly move into changes. Change in self becomes the driving force to affect changes in your situations.
Many relationships break up because one party is not growing while the other party seeks to grow. Within that relationship, if you feel you aren’t growing when you want growth, that the relationship isn’t supporting your growth, then you will seek to grow outside that relationship. But very often, we don’t communicate enough about the incongruent levels of growth in a relationship, especially if the other person seems to be content with the status quo. We stay put because we fear change.
When you’re able to get to the level of wanting to grow, you are making a commitment to change, and that includes a willingness to face up to some uncomfortable feelings. This level of commitment to growth gives you a feeling of being solid within yourself. Even though the process of growing requires you to feel weak and vulnerable at first, that emotional risk you take of putting yourself in a place where you might feel rejection and shame (which may or may not be the result) will lead you to a stronger place within yourself.
Growth implies change. Any change means that we must let go of what we currently hold on to – whether it is something physical, a belief about something or an emotionally-charged idea about someone. That damned ego must be coaxed to relax its grip so that we can move into the unknown space where all is possible (including the possibility of pain though the probability of finding joy here is greater). You can’t get to this place unless you let go of what you hold on to now.
A good teacher will recognise that she learns as much from her student as the student learns from her. As a student, this should not be your focus in your relationship with your teacher (lest you develop an entitlement attitude) but you need to adopt a give-and-take attitude in your interactions with your teacher. Just because you’ve found someone whom you can learn from does not mean that you can be selfish in that relationship. Give from your heart, sincerely, and be a good friend back.
A good teacher-student relationship might never have to be stated as such. As long as you are aware of learning from someone, that makes you his student. What you do internally with the information you get, and what you do differently in your interactions with others as a result of the internal changes, determine whether you are learning and growing.
A lot of times, your teacher will tell you things that are difficult for you to hear, no matter how subtly it is put across. If you are committed to grow as a person, you would take on this information no matter how uncomfortable it feels. Once you’ve accepted the feedback, you’ll be able to examine within yourself how true it is and what implications it has on your life. In recognising your truth, you will grow.
As you grow, begin to step up, using what you have learnt so far. Step up to the level you aspire to now. This allows you to check yourself and make the necessary adjustments along the way. The best way to grow is to keep growing. If you take setbacks in the spirit of learning, they become valuable feedback to further your growth.
Check with your teacher if you need guidance but use what you already have. This will prevent you from using your teacher as a crutch or substitute for your inadequacies. Inadequacies are often imagined, real only in your mind. They are also easily corrected by jumping into the water and finding your way out.
Of course, for any relationship to work, it is essential to establish trust. Trust is developed by observing how someone operates to remove any cause for distrust such as betrayal, manipulation or any other forms of misrepresentation. For your part, you need not be a model citizen to earn the right to learn from someone. The prerequisite is simply a willingness to listen, to consider what you’ve been told, to make appropriate changes.
