Healing The Deep Insecurity That Creates Loneliness
A friend recently asked me if I ever felt lonely. I thought about it, and realised that it had been a long time since I remembered feeling lonely. This realisation was huge for me. For most of my life I had suffered from a deep sense of loneliness. It’s the kind of loneliness that did not go away just because I had company, but one that stayed perpetually in the background of my psyche like some quietly-growing disease.
Afterwards, I reflected on when my loneliness had left me. It was definitely a very gradual shift over many years of self-healing. But it was really since channeling and practising The Art of Dissolving Unwanted Reality that I have been totally liberated from a deep insecurity which had been the source of my loneliness and other mental-emotional afflictions.
I do not take this liberation for granted. My deep insecurity had resulted in a lot of pain, and being hugely disempowered in relationships. Coupled with my naturally empathetic sense, it had in the past led to a pattern of falling victim to narcissistic relationships, where individuals with narcissistic tendencies would pursue me only to leave me drained of resources.
I see a lot of women being plagued by the same insecurity. Like me in the past, they are looking for something outside of them to happen in order for them to feel better inside. My message to you, if you’re one of them, is:
Until you go through, heal and take your power back from your deep insecurity, you will always be at the mercy of other people’s actions, and you can be hurt by other people.
Even if the process of healing is going to take longer than you would like, I guarantee it will be worth it. It took me a long time also to heal to the level of where I am today – but more resources are available now that can cut down the time to heal and be liberated, without sacrificing the spiritual lessons you need to master.
Stop Looking for Something Outside to Validate You.
I used to hear this advice often when I was insecure. But I didn’t – couldn’t – take it seriously. Apart from the fact that it had become a cliché-d advice, I just didn’t know what it truly meant or if I did I didn’t know how to actually achieve it. Whenever someone said that to me, I would think, “Yeah, right,” and carried on my pattern of seeking validation from outside.
What I was doing was prolonging a series of behaviours that sooner or later would put me in emotional hot water when those sources of validation failed to fulfil the role I had assigned them. Essentially, I was giving them the power to determine my state of being.
The turning point came when one day I finally understood that it was up to me to take my power back, and that it was in my power to take my power back from anything outside of me. I took my power back from being a slave to other people’s views and opinions of me… from what others thought was acceptable or not… from allowing myself to feel bad when others judged me for not conforming to the ‘norm’.
At first, the act of reversing this pattern felt painful. But then it started to feel good. I felt pure power coming back into my body, and a sense of possibility I never had before. It was as if the window to what is possible in life – the love, beauty and magic that is available in life – had widened to give me a new vision for the possibilities I never could imagine before.
This shift in perspective resulted in a profound realisation that as long as I had a willingness to be healed, the way out is right here. Of course, I could choose to continue to resist being healed and the way out would elude me. One of the blocks that prevented me from choosing to be healed right now was the idea that it would be a painful and difficult process. I have since learnt that healing and transformation need not be lengthy and drawn out – unless you choose to have it that way. In the case of healing our deep insecurity, so much healing can be accomplished by simply deciding to take your power back. This simple act can reverse much of your investments of power into a behaviour that would only continue to disempower you more and more.
How exactly do you take your power back? When I talk about taking our power back, I mostly mean directly and energetically. But there are also behavioural and mental steps that you can take to help break the pattern of feeding your insecurity.
Stop waiting for that someone to do or say the right things that will make you feel better. Learn to feel better independently of that someone.
When others don’t love you, can you love yourself? Can you stop abusing yourself, treat yourself harshly, judge yourself, beat yourself up for being not good enough?
Or do you decide you’ve messed it up anyway, so you might as well do the usual and abuse yourself?
In that moment when the whole world seems to be judging you and you are adding to the abuse, can you find the strength and presence of mind to decide to take a 180 degree turn around and say, “No more, I am not joining the rest of the world in abusing myself anymore! No matter how others treat me, I refuse to treat myself this way!” And you locate that shiny pearl inside you and make it glow.
Can you take that independent stance – that solitary view of yourself – to refuse to conform to their views? Sure you can. Could you though? You could, by the power of your decision.
Protect Yourself from the Unsavoury.
I used to think, if someone had treated me badly and I still had an issue with them, then it is not spiritual of me. Now I think it is utter nonsense. It is this kind of beliefs peddled in many spiritual circles that have allowed unsavoury characters to get off scotch free and continue preying on the vulnerable; knowing they could always use the “if you’re spiritual you can’t condemn me for what I’ve done” card.
On the contrary, if you have a pattern of attracting harsh and abusive people who take advantage of you, or use and abuse you – then it might not be that spiritually evolved to continue to tolerate having these people in your life. You can practice forgiveness without having them in your life.
Sometimes, it is more spiritually evolved to take a stand for yourself and cut out the bullies, the narcissists, the vampires, the abusive and the takers of the world. You deserve to give yourself this level of protection. Letting in these unsavouries would be an act of self-abuse.
What about the concept that we created everything in our lives? Yes, you created it. But the route to uncreating it may include taking a firm stance against that which is unsavoury and untoward. Ask yourself why you would still want someone who had been abusive to you to be in your life.
Today, I choose to surround myself with empowered and empowering people. No longer being plagued by neediness for approval and external validation, I have the confidence to say no without fearing rejection and attack. Ironically, my confidence was built through the development of a thick skin as a result of taking healthy risks of being rejected and disapproved of. I learned, in time, that it wasn’t the end of the world, and it made me stronger.
Allow Healing to Happen.
All the years of judging yourself harshly, beating yourself up, for all your perceived shortcomings have left more than dents in your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual self. Healing your insecurity must involve allowing the wounds you have inflicted upon yourself through your self-judgements to heal.
Like treating a flesh wound, these psychological wounds must also be given the time and space to heal. When you treat a flesh wound, after cleaning it you may apply some medicine to aid the healing but generally you leave it be and avoid touching it. In terms of emotional healing, it translates to allowing your real emotions – the hurts you’re feeling – to be present, without attempting to suppress them; and to be real to all that is happening in your emotional body.
There’s a misunderstanding in personal growth and self-help that we need to reframe our experiences of hurts or to replace the things that trigger these hurts with something that would take our attention off the pain. These strategies may work temporarily, and can even be useful as a supplement to the real healing, but on their own they would not yield deep and lasting results.
Instead, the pain that is triggered and the pattern of being triggered must be confronted directly. Our relationship to it must then be transformed in a way that the balance of power is now in our favour. This is not the route for the faint-hearted but for warriors of the human spirit. It is not a quick fix or an attempt to go around the core issue but a courageous journey of tackling it honestly and responsibly.
Only through this can you truly heal and liberate yourself from your deep insecurity, and finally be free from being governed by other people’s behaviours. In its place, you are free to enjoy and celebrate who you truly are. A whole new game of life – one that reveals an ever-expanding flow of love, beauty and magic instead of the game of struggles you’re used to – is available to you.
This article is sooo GOOD! I am still learning to “protect myself from the unsavory,” and struggled with finding a balance between- complete intolerance towards others and being a doormat. Both sides left me feeling depleted. You once told me when you’re first learning to stand up for yourself you might do it un-elegantly. but you just do it and learn as you go. SOO TRUE! I have come along way but still forgive myself when I react too harshly, or to softly to an “unsavory person.”
Also, I really loved everything you had to say about allowing emotional wounds to heal. You also mentioned the road to healing does not to be drawn out and difficult. Those words have rang out in my head so many times, and I am very thankful for that. I kind of think of it like recovering from a surgery- it’s a bit painful, but also relaxing and nice to have time to yourself. Ahhhh, this whole article is a breath of fresh air 🙂 xoxo