Category Archives: Addictions

The Day When Suffering Stopped

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I was in a session with a client at my centre the other day when I witnessed the precise moment when suffering ended.  It was breathtaking.  In that moment, I saw the endless grasping –  the controlling, fixing, righting what’s not right, perfecting what’s imperfect, knowing what’s not known, searching for answers – STOP.

In my work as an addiction therapist, my job is to lead people to the edge of the door beyond which lies their heart waiting to awaken, and guide them to travel through that door and emerge the other side as their authentic self.

For most people, recovery from addiction is a long journey, since the addictive behaviour is the outermost expression of many layers of imbalance and conventional treatment for addictions tend to focus on the most apparent symptoms first.  As a result, people can spend years in therapy and never really get to the deepest source of their imbalance.  Some might manage to stay on track for years, slowly working off the drive towards addiction as they re-educate themselves to a new way of coping with life – yet never really doing the deep healing that would set them free and tolerating a life of being an addict.  For some luckier ones, they might reach a stage at some point when the latent drive towards addictions eases off.

What drives addictive behaviours is a deep feeling of not having enough of something or other.  This feeling can come from unresolved emotions, unhealed traumas and losses, giving rise to a state of unwholeness in the pit of an individual.  In our attempt to cope with this feeling, we reach out to all kinds of things to make us feel better.  When we do this excessively and we’re unable to stop, we’re said to be addicted.

Almost everybody suffers from this unwholeness.  Almost everybody is addicted to something.  Addiction is not confined to drug and alcohol taking; just in the dimension of computers and internet alone, you can be addicted to checking emails, Skyping, Facebook, playing Free Cell, etc.

Addiction is a behaviour that is acted out excessively and you feel as though you can’t stop that behaviour.  You can also be addicted to being in pain and anxiety – where your thoughts are continually generating those states of being.  The thoughts which you have trained yourself to run in a repeated loop are what you can’t stop, trapping you in pain and anxiety.

Therefore, addiction and suffering are synonymous.  Suffering is when you try to get out of something or towards something, and feeling as though you can’t change the situation.

Like many people, my client had spent most of his life being in suffering.  A painful past and an addiction to feeling bad were the sources of his long-term suffering.  He had undergone treatment for addictions a number of times throughout his life but the deepest source of his discomfort within himself was still plaguing him.

Through our guidance, he had gone to the deepest, darkest places which he’d been too scared to go in the past.  Armed with admirable courage and complete trust in our guidance, he had forayed into the depths and reclaimed parts of himself by stretching the capacity of his heart to love and forgive those who’d wronged him.

The power that came back to him was so palpable that it imbued the room with an electrifying presence.  As the sense of separation dissolved, replaced by a merging with the light that was revealed to him beneath the human dramas, he said:

“I am full, filled with the most incredible energy…. and it is all mine, it comes from me.”

This, to me, is the heart of addiction work.  That emptiness, hollowness, void, deep loneliness or whatever it is called, must be filled from within in order for addiction to stop.  Otherwise, the drug is only going to be replaced by another drug.  Maybe it’s alcohol, pills, relationships, exercising, Tweeting or anything that seems to be a lesser evil but is nonetheless a drug in disguise.

It is not so much that the addiction is bad for you.  It is that the gem it can point you to lays forever buried.  Like a pebble in your shoe it pokes at you to get your attention but you spend the rest of your life trying to ignore it, yet putting up with the discomfort.  If you stopped walking and examined the pebble you might find out what wondrous gifts it contains.

How to End Suffering

Stop running from your pain.

You can’t stop your suffering while you continue to run from your pain.  When it feels counter-intuitive to stop, take a deep breath and make an about-turn and face your pain.  Stay there, face-to-face with it, for just a few more moments.  Resist the urge to run away.  Feel the power, disguised as fear.  Stretch your capacity to remain there.  You’re there… and you’re still there…

Let the truth of what you’re facing cleanse you.  For the longest time, you’ve probably been covering it up with a number of defensive behaviours which have manufactured a false self.  You’ve probably been secretly yearning to return to your authentic self – freely expressing who you truly are.  With self-honesty, you are on your way to reclaiming yourself.

Change the direction in all levels.    

You can’t stop physically acting out a behaviour for long unless you also change the direction in your emotional, mental and spiritual self.  Just as the first tip above tells you to stop and change direction in your emotional reality, you should also explore what’s keeping you in suffering mode in your mental-cognitive realm – stopping the kind of thinking, self-talk, beliefs and attitude that perpetuate suffering, and adopting new ones.  Equally, look at what you’re doing spiritually; if you’ve been keeping your energy small and self-punitive, reach out and connect to concepts that give you a sense of expansiveness.

Let go of the past.

Do you hold on to your past way too much?  This can provide a great distraction for you and generate a lot of conflict with yourself – such that when you’re moving towards the things that make you happy, you sabotage your own happiness.  You might do this by shutting down emotionally and further confusing yourself – as a kind of blurring-it-up mechanism to avoid facing your problems.  If you aren’t aware of it, you might even seem to be hitting a wall wherever you look and end up having your focus all over the place.

We hold on to the past because we believe we might lose an essential part of us if we cut ties with it.  But letting go of our past does not mean wiping it off our memory.  Whatever painful experiences you’ve gone through have made you who you are today.  It simply means deciding that you no longer want to be governed by the sense of guilt, loss, disappointments and tragedy of the past, and move forward in your life.

Even if you think you’re not choosing it, I invite you to take a deeper exploration to see if there’s a part of you that might need to make a clear decision to let go of what’s been pulling you back from happiness.

Notice what is already good.

In the throes of suffering, you may be focusing only on the bad stuff.  Without dismissing that the bad stuff is there, turn your head around and see what else you notice.  Physically look up and around you, taking your attention away from you for a moment.

Do you notice a certain heaviness at the thought of doing this, or even as you’re doing it?  A kind of sticky web that glues you to your preoccupation with the bad stuff?  This is the energy that traps you in suffering mode.  It also contains a lot of your power which you’ve put into it every time you perpetuate the cycle of addiction/suffering.  When you break out of the cycle, even if temporarily, you break that strand of web and free up a pocket of power.  This pocket of power will return to you as you move forward in a direction of higher vibration.

Maybe you notice a certain colour in a painting that is your favourite shade.  As you focus on it, you notice the same shade jumping out from a few other places and catching your attention.  You may start to feel a sense of richness evoked in you as you admire the shade, and you feel a certain openness in you – as though the world seems a little less bleak now.

As you do this, you still battle with the sticky web that tells you that you haven’t finished with your suffering, that there’s more suffering to be done.  At this point, you can yield to the sticky web or you can push through to move into an increasingly expansive state.  By staying with the opened feeling, you will start to notice other things that can give you more positive feelings.  You may remember that you have people who are loving and supportive in your life, or the opportunities you do have to create happiness.

Give something of yourself.

One of the most powerful ways to turn suffering into empowerment is by turning your attention to someone else.  It doesn’t mean you have to solve someone else’s problem; just by engaging with someone you may gain a different perspective on your own problem and a renewed sense of self – which might turn out to be the very thing that sets you on a different direction towards greater happiness.

No matter how depleted you may think you are, you do have something of yourself to give.  Even a quick phone-call to a friend can stop the cycle of self-beating and put you on a different path.  The sense of fulfilment when you feel as if you’ve contributed to someone else’s happiness can even heal you of the pain that made suffering a prefered choice.

 

Ending your suffering can be easier than you might imagine.  The state of non-suffering can be yours with just a slight shift in your focus.  It doesn’t mean that you will forever be free of difficulties as you go through life.  What it means is that a type of situation that tended to provoke an intense and emotionally charged reaction in you will stop having that kind of effect on you.

If certain people’s behaviours tended to provoke anger or irritation in you, you’ll find that you no longer have such reactions.  If the idea of people laughing at the ideas of your project embarasses you, you stop having the constant feeling of wanting to hide aspects of what you do and find it easy to share it with others.  If someone criticising you would make you feel so bad about yourself that you’d automatically consume a substance to numb you of that pain, you now find that it doesn’t bother you that much and you can cope with it calmly.

At the end of the day, what it means is that you are free.  Free from all these torments that make you feel uneasy within yourself.  Free from the constant need to right an injustice because you can’t bear the deeper feelings inside you which you’re afraid to face when you give up your personal crusade.

Freed from all these low-level struggles, bullshit, pretenses and dramas, you can allow the full force of your highest self to embody you.  Who you are, is not who you think you are… and that is very good news.

Ohmee

Elephant Medicine: Healing My Relationship With The World

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Only three months into the year, and 2012 is already looking to be a widly adventurous and creative year for me.  I am driven by a great enthusiasm to create – inspired by a curiosity to move into unknown territories.  In the material sense, it has translated into me taking up projects that test the boundaries of conventional thoughts/methods – allowing me to explore insights, knowledge, wisdom that may yield more exciting ways for people to experience the world.  It also allows me on a personal level to challenge my own beliefs and expand my perception of life.  All of this coincides with a deepening of my spiritual connection that has significantly raised my awareness in the last couple of months.

One of the projects I’m most excited about is the development of the first “elephant-assisted therapy” in the world for addictions.  For several years, I have felt a calling to connect more with animals and work with shamanism – both in my personal life and in my work.  So when I came upon this project, I had an inspiration to help develop it further, in a no-question, no-doubt-about-it, moment.  I was filled with an instinctual knowledge, a deep knowing, of what this modality could do for people recovering from trauma and addictions.

I sat with this knowledge and inspiration for six weeks – eager to connect it to an actual experience.  I was excited to see what would unfold when inspired knowledge and physical experience came together.  To my frustration, week after week, my planned outing with the elephants got cancelled.  I now understand that sitting with my instinctual knowledge was an important part of the process.  The wisdom had to come from that direction first, to be confirmed and expanded through an actual experience, at the right time.

Two days ago, I found myself in the elephant conservation centre where I was introduced to the animal that was to be my ‘healing partner’.  Jum-Pui is a 41 year-old male elephant with the longest tusks in the sanctuary.  What I had signed up for was a day of training with the animal’s mahout and learning to interact with it.

Part 1: Entering into a Strange World

I approached Jum-Pui with some trepidation.  The first thing that struck me was not only the size of the animal, but his impressive white tusks that curved upwards at the ends made him look more like a mammoth than an elephant.  That, and amidst the wide space it was walking through, lent the whole vision before me a surreal quality – as though I’d been beamed into a forest of millions of years ago.  By then, I’d been given the safety rules and taught a list of commands which the elephant could respond to.  But at that point, they were only mental concepts and I wondered clumsily how many mistakes I’d have to make.

How many times had I found myself with that same feeling – in a crowded shopping centre, a social event I didn’t want to go to, being forced to leave the comfort of my isolation cave?  I remembered the brutal contrast between being in my safety zone and being exposed in a world that didn’t seem to offer any safety railings to hold on to.  A world I didn’t care to know…

Part 2: The Habit of Conjuring Up Distress

As much as I looked forward to the process of getting to know and bond with Jum-Pui, it seemed a long way away.  I was nervous at the prospect of having to climb on top of the mammoth-like beast and riding it without one of those seats secured on an elephant’s back.

Rather unelegantly, I managed to climb up to his back, at the tallest point just behind his ears.  It was only then that I remembered my fear of heights.  I had trouble bringing myself to sit upright.  After a few moments of being frightened to death, I reminded myself that it was too late to back out; this wasn’t just a recreational ride, I had a mission to accomplish and a commitment to fulfill.  With that, I forced myself to sit up.  It felt wobbly; I didn’t feel safe.  There was nothing to hold on to apart from a few bristles on his head.

Then the animal moved, slowly and to a short distance to drink.  I was close to panic.  Certain that I wasn’t safe on top of the elephant without any contraption or harness, I began to imagine falling off the animal.  I imagined having my legs broken and my head cracked open.  I imagined a whole production out of it – the dramas that would ensue, each scene that played itself out in my mind progressively more chaotic and intense.

Suddenly, I had an awareness of how my mind would often go into fearful scenarios.  My tendency to create distress in situations and expecting bad things to happen was being played out in an exaggerated way for me to see.  In that moment, I decided to counteract that pattern.

I scaled down the level of catastrophy in my mind.  I expanded my fear into exhiliration.  I got myself to act as if I believed I was safe.  I relaxed my body a bit and trusted a little more.  I breathed calmly.  My fear lessened.  But I still felt rather vulnerable, exposed and insecure.

Part 3: A Desperate Need to Control

Then the animal started to walk across the open space, and I was thrown into a frightful state again.  Guided by the mahout, I tested out some of the commands I’d been taught.  Go forward, turn left, right, lay down, stop, move backwards, etc.  But my commands did not seem to work immediately.  I wanted to manoever him the way I could make a car move: instantly.  Jum-Pui was very good at responding to commands but there was a period of delay between my command and his response.  That delay would fill me with a feeling of being out of control.

I wanted instant result.  I wanted to feel like I had full control of the situation.  I wanted to close the gap and eradicate any feeling of not-knowing.

After some time, I began to get used to the rhythm of command-and-response.  Instead of expecting instant result, I allowed more time for him to respond.  It highlighted to me another pattern I’m familiar with: the desperation to seek control in situations that make us feel insecure.  In trying to regain a sense of control, we may act out in ways that can lead to bigger problems, such as addictions or destructive behaviours.

Behind addictive and destructive behaviours, there’s usually a lack of tolerance for discomfort.  Part of the process of recovery is building our tolerance for discomfort by examining how we might have exaggerated the intensity of the discomfort we feel and changing the way we perceive our discomfort.

We learn to stay with these feelings instead of trying to escape from them.  We learn that allowing ourselves to have these feelings doesn’t kill us.  By letting these feelings be there, we allow them to evolve and move through our bodies.  We learn to accept and embrace the myriad of emotions that give us depth as human beings.

Out of this, we acquire the qualities of patience and trust.  Rather than trying to close the gap, we see it as a window that opens up to new beauty.  We begin to notice the quality of grace in our world.

Part  4: Taking the Focus Away from Me (Selfishness vs Altruism)

I was feeling more confident being on top of the elephant, until the mahout allowed it to wander off to feed itself.  I grew worried when Jum-Pui found the juiciest leaves near a ditch.  I imagined being thrown headlong into the ditch.  My pleas for the mahout to come and stay close were ignored.  I felt annoyed and it aroused the part of me that felt injustice.  Inside, I screamed, what about my safety?  I tried to get the elephant to move away from the ditch, but it kept on tearing off branches of leaves.

Then I heard someone saying that the elephant must be hungry.  Suddenly, I realised that I had been focusing so much on my own safety that I completely did not pay attention to the elephant’s needs.  It was supposed to be a two-way communication, yet I’d focused solely on getting my own needs met.

This kind of selfishness occurs more often than not in relationships when one party takes the other for granted – requests turn into barking orders, uncommunicated needs become expectations, unfulfilled expectations become a source of outrage.  We can be so taken over by our own drive for survival that we forget we are in partnership with another person, whether it’s in a personal or professional context.

Feeling guilty about my selfishness, I focused my attention on feeling Jum-Pui as a living and breathing creature, and not simply as a vehicle.  Slowing down my breathing, I connected to the life force that emanated from him.  A tiny fraction of my consciousness dropped into his massive body, and I felt his pulse synching with my heartbeat.  The noise in my head subsided.  Rather than nurturing my own fears, I now nurtured the creature’s need for self-nourishment.  Fear gave way to humility.  There was two of us now… and we were partners.

Part 5: Bonding and Caring For Another

By the time my partner and I moved into the lake, the tension and rigidity I had felt earlier had left my body.  I felt bigger.  Aligning in partnerships can do that to you.  Resources are doubled, and areas of insecurity are made secure through the strengths of another.

As I felt more secure, I relaxed into playfulness and fun.  Fear puts a shield in front of us that blocks the expression of who we really are.  When it is stripped away, we begin to come from a more authentic part of us that is capable of responding with spontaneity, much like a child who knows no fear.

In playing and having fun, we naturally bond with others because the shield around our hearts are kept down, allowing our true feelings to flow.  Jum-Pui liked spraying water with his trunk, which delighted me since I’ve always liked the sensations of water dropping onto my skin.

In between the water sprays, the mahout guided me to wash the elephant in the water.  I only managed a few tentative moments of doing this before choking back tears as I was moved by the act of giving love.  The fear of love is something I hear expressed in one way or another by the majority of the clients I work with.  Recalling this, I felt a deep sadness for the loss of what the world can potentially gain from the greater connectedness that comes from us feeling freer in our capacities to give and receive love from one another.  A simple act of love, carried out with devotion, with an undefended heart, may begin to heal the way we relate to the world.

Part 6: Surrendering to Uncertainties

As we emerged from the lake, I noticed a certain calmness in myself.  The atmosphere around me seemed to be imbued with a softness.  Everything seemed to move at a slower pace, whereas previously everything seemed to be moving dangerously fast and I was rendered out-of-control within it.  The harshness of trying to survive in a world that wasn’t safe had fallen away, and I was fully present with all my senses.  Jum-Pui’s legs felt like an extension of my own legs, moving forward in one unhurried, certain step after another.  I didn’t care where it was taking me nor worry about what would happen to me.

I stopped wanting to control.  In that act of surrender, I felt liberated from the mental weight of trying to fix, achieve, resolve, understand, compartmentalise.  As my body relaxed, I leaned forward and rested my elbows on the elephant’s head.  It gave me a different view of the experience – one where I could appreciate how high up I was above the ground.

Suddenly, I was able to transcend everything around me.  From my higher perspective, I was acutely aware of my own livingness and my connectedness with the elements.  Below me, I could hear the voices of people talking, shouting, laughing – but it was just noise.  I was aware but unattached to anything that was taking place.

In that moment, I saw the difference between choosing to get sucked into our stories and rising above these stories.  There’s always a choice, if only we slowed ourselves down to see that.  It doesn’t mean trying to ignore what’s going on (a fearful act) but to make an empowered choice to not engage on an emotional level whatever it is we know is happening.

Part 7: Total Trust is Earned

Eventually, I felt comfortable enough to lean forward until my body lay on the elephant’s head.  I learned something new then – that total trust is earned through the act of surrender.  When we surrender, we come out the other side with total trust.

Total trust is the state of being in absolute abundance.  When we trust completely, we experience no limitations, restrictions or scarcity.  We’re in a state of infinite possibilities and freedom of creativity.

I felt I could fly if I wanted to.  I could make the clouds form any shape I wanted.  I could do a back-flip and land perfectly.

Part 8: Merging with Divinity

Yet I descended the elephant the same way I had climbed up (but without the drama).  I felt a little sad that our journey together had come to an end.  I felt a deep bonding with the animal and a desire to come back to see him again in the near future.  I asked the mahout how long he had been with Jum-Pui, knowing that a mahout looks after only one elephant and throughout the elephant’s life.  Twenty years, he said.

“Just imagine,” he said, looking at me.  “And you’ve only had one day with him.”

I went up to Jum-Pui and looked up at him, marvelling at how incredible an opportunity it’d been to interact so closely with this majestic animal.  Then as I looked into his eye, I saw Ganesha, the Hindu elephant deity.  Prior to the journey, we had prayed to Ganesha at an altar in the conservation centre.  Now, looking up at my ‘healing partner’, I felt Ganesha’s presence.  I got a sense that the deity had been guiding, facilitating and overseeing my journey all that time.

In my spiritual belief, all deities are aspects of the greater divine spirit.  As I connected the dots all the way to the intelligent force that created us and that governs all life, I knew there was nothing unsafe about my world.

I walked away richer and fuller – infused not only with the shamanic properties of the elephant and what Ganesha brings to a devotee, but the lessons learnt about trust, surrender, love, selflessness, courage, vulnerability, spontaneity, making empowered choices, and transcendence.  I carried with me these lessons and an impression that was to last for days, reminding me to look out for divinity amidst the turbulence in life.

Addiction For Human Drama: Are You Addicted to Stress, Anxiety & Dramas?

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A common scenario when I’m working with a client – whether they are dealing with addictions, eating disorder, weight issues or relationship problems – is listening to how their life has gotten out-of-control and the resulting stress and anxiety they battle with.  They want to get rid of these uncomfortable symptoms, and I understand that.  But sometimes, I notice that the client does not actually want to give up their dramas.  “I just want to have a peaceful life,” they say with a  heavy sigh.  Yet I may sense in them an attachment to living a highly-strung, chaotic life. 

In this article, I want to explore why and how in certain cases we might be addicted to stress, anxiety or human dramas.    

It is true that some people thrive on chaos (although ‘thriving’ is more of an illusion than true accomplishments, if you were to investigate closer).  In the absence of drama, they feel lost and the idea of structure scares them.  This can come from a fear of responsibility and accountability.  So they strive for vagueness and ambiguity to blur the lines, so that dramas can always seep through and they don’t feel contained. 

To some people, that space where drama has been made absent is deemed to be starkly empty and a scary place to be in.  So they fill this void with food, drugs, sex… or stress.  Stress and anxiety may be uncomfortable, but it is somehow more bearable than feeling the void.  So what happens is they set up their circumstances (usually unconsciously) to create dramas to generate the stress and anxiety that take their attention away from the greater discomfort. 

For others, it is not a void but a place teeming with unresolved conflicts.  Creating dramas becomes a form of escapism from self – where you’re always engaged, busy with something outside of you so that you don’t feel the deeper turmoils inside you.    

Sometimes people do this as a form of attention-seeking behaviour.  Underlying this motivation may be a fear of being ignored, neglected, trapped in loneliness and a craving for connection. 

Not only is this pattern of creating stress, anxiety and dramas damaging to yourself, it has toxic effects on those around you.  It harms relationships because those around you will feel drained by being in your presence; after being around you, they usually report being in a state of confusion and feeling spun around. 

I invite you to take a good, hard look at yourself.  Do you really want to be free of your anxiety or do you secretly crave it?  What would it be like if your life was devoid of stress, anxiety and dramas?  Will you miss it?  Be honest now. 

If you recognise this pattern in yourself, it doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person.  Owning up to a destructive pattern of behaviour is very powerful and deserving of respect, even if you choose not to do anything to change it for now.  Because you can now stop lying to yourself that you wish it to go away.  You can truly breathe a sigh of relief as you can at least live your own truth.  You can simply continue with what you’re doing, only with full awareness.  See where it takes you. 

On the other hand, if having this awareness makes you realise how self-destructive you are being and you’re inspired to move forward from it, take these three easy steps:

Step I: Take Back Your Power

Look at what is causing you stress or anxiety and move it into your realm of control.  Instead of saying, “Things happen which are beyond my control are causing me stress,” say, “I have made or am making certain choices that are causing me stress.” 

If you continue to blame your stress on what’s happening outside of you, you’re admitting defeat to your circumstances because you’re stating that you are powerless to do anything about it.  Note that this is a common excuse being used by those who crave stress and anxiety – there is a secret agenda to staying in a state of stress and anxiety. 

Granted, on the surface, it may appear that what’s happened is outside your control.  But I want you to break it down into smaller units.  Do not look at the bigger picture!  This is one instance where you’ll benefit from looking at the individual trees that make up the forest.  What has led to this current situation?  Where did you have power to make certain choices that led to this?  Don’t dismiss it offhandedly, really examine where your power lies, because it’s the same power that will get you out of it. 

Did you agree to something that led to this?  Did you hold back on speaking out, against what your instincts told you?  Did you give in to something you disapproved of?  Did you act dishonestly in any way?  Did you let your pride, ego or fear get in the way of your actions? 

Try answering these questions without any sense of self-berating.  We’re not trying to push the blame onto you but to give you a sense of where your power has gone to.  The more honest you are, the more power you can retrieve that is going to help you move forward to a happier life. 

Write down your answers.   

Step II: Consolidate Your Power

As you look at your list of answers, try to locate the pockets of power within each choice you made.  I know, you may not feel powerful looking at each statement, because chances are you did not exercise your power when making those decisions.  But that is exactly why there is power contained in them!  Or you might have thought you were exercising your power when making certain decisions but you’re realising now that the power was misused.  In any case, you’ve located some sources of your power. 

If you did not speak up about your reservations with someone, you’ve located your power to speak up.  If you were too proud to express your doubts about your ability to accept a position, you now have at your fingertips the power to be more honest and vulnerable, and to hone your skills.  If you agreed to let your partner take care of you financially, you can now reclaim your power to be self-reliant.  If you let your fear of losing your status get in the way of your happiness, you have the power of making a stand for what makes you happy. 

Step III: Exercise Your Power

As you can see, there’s more than one way in which you can exercise your power in each instance.  You’re not trapped with one option.  The key is to recognise that your power is an energy of unlimited potential.  Even if you can only see a limited number of options, know that the potential exists for many, many more ways to exercise this power than you can currently see.  Decide how you are going to exercise your power given what you know at this stage. 

Just taking one pocket of power you have located, whether it was previously unused or misused, can give you a sense of empowerment.  By turning this potential energy into a tangible form, you will show yourself just how much power you really do have. 

Then keep exercising your power by making different choices than you are used to making, acting and behaving in new ways.  Notice how the dramas fall away from your life and how you’re reacting to this new way of being.  If you find yourself initially resisting this, tell yourself that it is uncomfortable because it’s a new sensation, not because it’s bad for you.  Allow yourself to get used to a new sense of peace and how much more fulfilling it is.  In time, you will reverse your pattern of creating stress, anxiety and dramas… and begin to look forward to creating more peace, balance and harmony in your life. 

Unleashing Creativity Without Using Drugs

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There is a belief among many whose profession lies in churning out creative works that drugs enable them to tap into their creative well, that without drugs they could never produce the works that have earned them their professional recognition.  Writers, musicians, artists whose lifestyles involve indulging in too much drugs and alcohol usually find it a huge struggle to give up the substance they’ve become addicted to when they embark on stopping their subtance abuse.  This is the main challenge for every ‘creative type’ individual I have worked with in addiction.

On a lesser level, even those who are not dependent on creative output for a living also struggle with the idea that their creativity may be dampened when they stop using.  By the time someone comes to rehab, their substance abuse usually has become so deeply entrenched and intertwined in every facet of their lives that they have relied on the substance to see them through every task that requires effort.  Even when under the influence of the substance their cognition may be impaired and their senses dulled, they have come to belief that they can get through their day-to-day activities quicker and easier.  Without the substance, they fear, life would be boring and flat, as the substance has enabled them to go to certain places they otherwise would not (or be able to) go – mainly related to their self-expressions.

Creativity isn’t just for the ‘creative types’ or those with too much time sitting in front of a piece of paper or canvas trying to produce creative works.  It is a much needed quality in every aspect of our lives.  What is creativity?  Creativity is, to me, simply the ability to put ideas together in new ways.  It may be expressed in the form of visual artwork (combining shapes, colours, textures, media in new ways), writing (combining words, concepts, storylines in new ways), or musical pieces (combining notes, rhythm, melodies, sounds, genres in new ways).  We may also express creativity when finding solutions to tricky problems, and this may be expressed in the form of a unique business plan, a clever PR or lobbying campaign, a win-win action in a personal relationship issue, or a fantastic vacation trip.  Therefore, without creativity, life would be pretty dull and mundane.

In fact, the sense of deep fulfilment that comes from being creative is similar to life force itself.  When we are being creative, we are in a flow of experiencing Passion and Inspiration – a kind of hypnotic feeling that takes us to the part of us that is divinely powerful.

I strongly believe it is a myth that we need drugs to reach our highest creative potential.  Drugs do not contain a magical property that makes us creative.  Rather, they remove our inhibition towards self-expression – i.e. the mental/emotional block which gets in the way of our creativity flowing is removed for us so that we are able to express ourselves without censoring.  With our inhibition removed, we become more daring in expressing ourselves, bypassing any fear of rejection and inadequacies that usually cause us to close the door to our inner creative source.  As we continue to keep that door opened, our creative energy is able to flow freely, and we are able to sense the deep fulfilment that comes from being creative.

Whether we use drugs or not, our creativity will flow with the absence of that block.  Therefore, the underlying issues behind the block need to be addressed and alternative ways of removing the block explored in the treatment of substance abuse for those who strongly depend on their substance of choice to boost their creative output.

In the same way that people consume alcohol or drugs to boost their social confidence – believing that they need that substance to take away the discomfort of interacting with others and to allow them to feel free in expressing themselves – drugs and alcohol have become a quick way, a short cut, to reach our space of creativity.  The function of the substance in both cases is the same: to remove the layer of fear which prevents us from freely expressing ourselves.

Fear of Embarassment & Shame

You may fear being rejected because you’re afraid that what you produce isn’t going to be good enough in the eyes of other people; or a fear of embarassment, shame or humiliation when others judge you for your expression.  The crux of which is the belief that you are somehow flawed or inadequate.  Relying on substance to make us feel more comfortable in expressing ourselves allows us to escape taking responsibility for ourselves: somewhere in our mind, we are aware that a drug has been consumed and somehow it is this powerful substance that is doing the expression for us.  Because it is the drug, and not us, that is deemed to be doing the work, we have an excuse for when the rejection comes – i.e. that we are not fully responsible for this expression and therefore whatever we are being judged for isn’t entirely a reflection of who we are.  Hence, the drugs serve as an escape clause for being told that we are flawed.

When I was suffering from depression, I often found it easier to write creatively.  At times, I would harness feelings of pathos and tragedy to deepen my emotional pain.  Through the depth of pain, I was able to reach into my creative source and express my truth from that space.  Like drugs, depression is sometimes used as a tool to unleash our creativity.  ‘Creative types’ like poets and artists have a hard time giving up their melancholy as they believe it helps maintain their connection to their creative genius.  In a sense, depression and melancholy are altered states which allows us to momentarily suspend our ‘ordinary’ identity to justify our creative output.  Like drugs, depression gives us the reason, the excuse, to express ourselves freely.

Fear of Having Little Creativity

Another fear that prevents us from freely expressing ourselves may be a belief that we are not naturally creative.  That only certain people are born with extraordinary creative abilities, whilst the rest of us need special assistance to force out of us whatever latent creative potential we may have.  This is not true.  Even those who are ‘creative types’ have periods when their creativity is blocked, supporting the premise that it is not that some of us are born more creative than others.  I believe that everyone has the same creative abilities and potential, the only dfference is how freely we can express our creativity.

If the channel from our source of creativity, through our expressiveness, into our space of creation, is unblocked, then creative energy flows.  The source of creativity is constant; it always holds its infinite potential.  What is being created depends on how freely and easily we express ourselves.  Understanding this point is vital to addressing what impedes our creativity.  Once we recognise that our source of creativity is infinite, that we do not have to be ‘special people’ in order to be creative, we can work on relaxing those mind-directed fears that narrow our channel of expression.  Allowing ourselves to freely expressing ourselves is what unblocks our creativity.

Removing Blocks to Creativity

You’ve probably heard of the saying, “Your external world is a reflection of your inner world.”  Meaning, you can look at what is happening in your world and examine where it might be a metaphor for what is going on inside of you.  Similarly, your actions and behaviours, as well as the people and things around you, can have direct influence on shaping your internal world.  That is why, changing your external world must involve the changing of your inner world, and vice-versa.  To ease the flow of your self-expression as a channel for creativity, it helps to look at how you might be holding yourself back in some area of your life.  Where in your life are you stuck?

By ‘stuck’, I refer to a state of being unhappy yet unable to get out of the situation.  The staleness and stagnation becomes a dense energy that blocks creativity from being expressed.  Creating movement will encourage that energy to flow.  An effective way to unblock creativity is to change your environment or to make yourself do something new, thereby injecting freshness that can dissipate the block.  The idea is to move the energy of stuckness.  Sometimes, the stuckness shows up as rigidity in your physical body.  Move the energy of stuckness by physically moving.  Many people have reported being more creative immediately after exercise or massage.  I have found that most of my creative ideas come when I’m travelling in a bus or airplane.  You can also create movement by moving projects along, doing something different or differently, and being spontaneous.  Movement breaks down the blocks to creativity.

The way I see it, drugs work because it creates movement on a more micro level.  It changes the bio-chemicals in our body and puts us in a different state.  Rather than attributing any increased creativity to the actual bio-chemical changes, I attribute it to the fact that there has been movement.  The movement itself, not the nature of the changes, is what triggers creativity.  There is a psychological factor of expecting drugs to do certain magic which promotes a bigger expectation of change, which in turn encourages more actual change.  Yet it is this expectation that results in bigger or more movement, which breaks down the block.

Another way of creating movement is by reaching deeper into your creative source.  If you’ve been used to having drugs in your system, the absence of drugs will leave you vulnerable to raw emotions.  Staying in that space of vulnerability and being honest about what is there will allow you to reach places deep within yourself and bring out more authentic expressions.  As a result, your creative output will tend to have a more personal, authentic flavour.  It may take time to get to this place as it takes courage to remain vulnerable and look at yourself honestly.  But the rewards are worth the trust and patience it takes.  With time, you will find that the works you produce will be better than ever.

In the course of reaching this space, you may feel flat at times – as if there is nothing there.  Where there appears to be nothing, there is silence.  Drop into the space of silence.  It is the realm where everything is found.  It’s a free fall into your creative source.  Without trying to conjure up anything, ideas will flow naturally.  Immersing yourself in silence is like standing before the very point of creation – where the infinite potential of creativity is about to explode into manifestation.

Two weeks ago, I was inside an abandoned tunnel that was totally devoid of light and sound, where I had a cool experience of being simultaneously at the beginning and the end of Creation.  I was the Creator standing in infinite space – a blank canvas for my creativity.  Yet the nothingness contained an infinity of everything that is possible.  The silence within us can lead us to that space.

Why People Are Driven To Destroy Themselves

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One of the themes that often come up when dealing with addictions is the tendency for self-destruction – when the drive to use drugs, alcohol or other compulsive activities renders a person unable to stop that behaviour but to spiral faster and faster into destroying himself.  Why do some people seem to have this need to destroy themselves?  What can they do to break out of this obsessive drive that seems to grip them so powerfully?

Whether a person is dealing with an obsession with drugs, alcohol, money, sex or food, the nature of this obsession is the same.  The greed for more (in quantity, frequency and intensity) escalates as the person breaks down more and more boundaries that have previously defined what kept him safe.  These boundaries may relate to the physical body (what is and isn’t acceptable for what we do to our body), social circle (who is and isn’t appropriate for us to hang out with), our moral codes (what behaviours we will and won’t accept from ourselves), and our dignity (what we will and won’t tolerate from others).  Deep in the throes of addiction, gripped by obsession, we cross that line again and again, pushing our boundaries further and further away from us.

These internal boundaries, which once prevented us from hurting ourselves and others, now can no longer keep our behaviours in check.  We’ve freed ourselves from our own protection and left the door wide open for careless indulgence in our drug, and we descend madder and madder into a tight, small hole of existence where the only thing that keeps us going is more drugs, even when it’s become obvious that we are destroying ourselves by continuing in that cycle.  Our mind directs this breaking-down of our boundaries, it has a life of its own and we can’t do anything to stop it from running our lives.

Or is it?  Are we really that powerless against our own mind?  If the mind is such a feared entity, then to conquer addiction we must find a more powerful adversary to fight the mind’s war of self-annihilation.  But before I get into that, let’s look at what makes the mind do what it does in promoting self-destruction.

A lack of self-worth, while cliché-sounding, is a good place to start.  If you had a total conviction of the true worth of yourself, you would not be driven to hurt yourself.  If, on the other hand, you have any doubt about your true worth, an inkling that you might not be worth much at all, that small seed of doubt can be massaged into a full-grown conviction of your unworthiness when the mind provides enough evidence for it.

When you are lacking self-worth, you’d tend to believe that you do not deserve to experience positive things and to sabotage the good that you do have.  This pattern might have been kept under wraps in normal circumstances but in the throes of addiction when the evidence stacks up with each episode of using, it becomes increasingly exaggerated until you are literally attempting to destroy yourself.

Guilt and shame about past or present behaviours can cloud a person’s view of herself.  They promote a self-punishing mindset.  Guilt makes you look for punishments, and when it is not apparently forthcoming from others, you tend to inflict that punishment on yourself.  This is especially prevalent in situations where you are keeping a secret – if only you are aware of what you have done, then that punishment can only come from yourself.  That guilt which only you are aware of can drive you to subconsciously inflict damage on yourself.  Like guilt, shame makes you want to punish yourself – if you feel that the person you are is unacceptable, then you would tend to seek punishment, or punish yourself.

Unresolved anger is another emotion that promotes a self-punishing mindset.  When you’re angry with someone, eventually you will take it out on yourself.  If you have a tendency to be passive or passive-aggressive (i.e. instead of asserting your feelings you keep them to yourself to avoid confrontation, but the feelings remain in you), your anger will likely build up until you explode in a fury against others.  A lot of times, however, you will seek ways to deal with that anger before you explode, and one of the easiest ways we know is to punish ourselves.  Sometimes, even when we have asserted ourselves, we are still left with the feeling that justice has not been restored.  In the absence of a way to right the wrong, we berate ourselves for not being able to ‘fix’ the situation.  Why can’t I handle this? you scream inside.  Your mind begins to find a list of reasons, usually about you being a failure, inadequate or stupid.  That anger is eventually turned against you.

These underlying beliefs and attitudes towards yourself give rise to a mentality of self-punishment, which if unexplored can drive you to destroy yourself.  Trapped in the cycle of self-destruction, you generate more emotional pain and mental anguish, until there seem to be no escape or respite.

Spirit is the true direction.  It is the true power.  The mind is nothing compared to spirit.  Spirit can befriend the mind to take away some of its power.  The mind can absorb the influence of the spirit’s magical pureness and transform itself to be outward expanding, taking us to a positive outlook.  Spirit can lift us from the mind’s manipulations and show us a better way of being, that there is a more worthwhile pursuit other than destroying ourselves.  Spirit can wipe out the mind’s ego trip.

There’s a hidden element in our path of self-annihilation – an attempt to find out what is left after we’ve destroyed ourselves.  It’s our unconscious search for spirit, guided by a belief that there must be something more than just this form of existence that we know of.  But we go about it the wrong way – we fight, we conquer, we destroy, when the way to spirit is to relax all resistance, give up all judgements and see what’s left there.  Spirit is found not by doing something but by undoing.  If you simply relax into being, you will see and feel spirit right here.  It has always been here.

Pick any scene you like.  Coming to in a drunken mess.  Stuffing yourself with food uncontrollably until your stomach aches.  Screaming at your loved ones when they try to show their love to you.  Locked in a compulsion to buy more and more to make you feel better about yourself.  In each of these scenarios, you’re bound to be left in a state of self-loathe and self-pity, with hopelessness draining the life out of you.

No matter how hopeless you feel, look for the tiny spark of light within you.  At first, you may only sense a vague, dim spot among the darkness.  Focus on it, until it grows bigger, and bigger, and it overwhelms your entire being.  This spark is your all-healing spirit.  Inside of us, there is a part of us that has remained pure and sacred no matter what kinds of trauma we’ve experienced in life.  I call it our Sacred Self.  In all our struggles and turmoils, we tend to see ourselves as damaged; to see that there is a part of us that is uncorrupted, unpolluted, untouched by it all can be very healing.  Once you acknowledge this part of you, it will expand, and very quickly, you’ll be able to see your situation more clearly, ideas will come to you as options to get yourself out of your situation, and you won’t feel so lost and forsaken anymore.

Do Not Be Perplexed…. Be In Awe

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I consider myself very privileged to be in a position to facilitate spiritual awakenings for clients who are open to develop their spirituality.  It’s such an honour to be part of someone’s awakening process and so humbling to witness the growth of a soul.  A lot of our clients are highly-accomplished professionals and successful businesspeople who are left-brain dominant; whilst their structured, analytical minds have aided in their professional success, it’s an obstacle when it comes to emotional healing.  Hence, we often spend quite a lot of time breaking through their tendencies to intellectualise the process so that they can deepen into the realm where true healings can take place.

When you intellectualise the process, you do a number of things: trying to put ideas into clearly-labelled boxes; being sceptical of concepts that do not appeal to your logical brain; over-analysing your feelings; the inability to be open-minded about random, subjective matters; and being too structured and linear in planning how you want the outcomes to look like.

But spirituality does not conform to boxes, or necessarily fit into logic, or stand up to analyses.  It cannot be planned in structured and linear ways.  It may not even be possible to put into words.  What are these boxes anyway if not something constructed by our limited brain?  Spirituality is amorphous, unstructured, pliable, circular, often paradoxical, mysterious, and full of undiscovered potential.

Since I take a spiritual approach to treatment, I see addiction as a gateway to discovering one’s true, awakened self.  In that sense, I tend to see every individual who checks into our residential rehab as a soul on the cusp of finding a renewed sense of who they are.  The process often entails the breaking down of the illusions of their ego – seeing through what’s false and inauthentic so that they come back to a total appreciation of the beauty of their spirit.

The flowering of the soul when finding its way back home is a beautiful process that defies what the logical, rational mind can understand.  It can only be understood by experiencing it and letting go of the need to understand it conceptually.  Bring the level of understanding from the mind to the heart, for this is where growth happens.  The more you are willing to surrender, the faster you’ll get there.  Whenever I see clients struggling to make sense of it, I tell them, “Do not be perplexed, but be in awe of it.”  When you’re perplexed, you are attempting to find answers through your logical mind.  When you’re in awe, you simply surrender to the experience while retaining an open heart.  The former creates limitations while the latter allows you to flow with the process of change, resulting in quicker healings.

When clients come to us for help, they have become stuck in their self-imposed structures – either through their own limiting beliefs or allowing others’ agendas to mark the boundaries around their actions and behaviours. They’re unable to see their way out.  A lot of times, the solutions are found by mentally removing these structures and seeing what is possible when they’re no longer boxed in by those limitations.  This applies not just to one’s physical environment but also to the beliefs they rigidly hold on to.

But to let go of these structures, there needs to be some sense of a safe alternative presented.  Otherwise, it will truly feel like death – in letting go of your grip on what has kept you safe and falling into the chasm of nothingness.  A deep depression or hollowness can manifest temporarily as a symptom of the death of your ego – sometimes known as “the dark nights of the soul”.  This isn’t a bad thing, no matter how uncomfortable it may feel.  The pendulum will start swinging back to the opposite polarity, bringing you back into light, once you’ve reached the depth of despair.  In emerging out of darkness, you’ll pick up various aspects of your true, authentic self, until you arrive at a higher form of yourself – more alive and whole than ever.

The alternative that needs to be presented to encourage you to let go of rigidly-held beliefs will not form into convenient little structures.  But a trust that there is something else worth experiencing will enable you to let go of what isn’t working anymore.  And when you begin to feel the mysterious in-betweens, be in awe of your discovery and let yourself be brought home on a wondrous journey.

How Good Can You Stand?

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Many of my clients with addiction problems have asked why they often drink or use drugs when things are going well for them.  “I can understand if I’d been feeling bad,” they say, “but why is it that when things are good I’d start using again?”  There are many reasons and I am going to offer my views focusing on the aspects which I find particularly interesting.

Sometimes, we use the excuse of wanting to celebrate to go on a binge and end up abusing ourselves.  This is not what I am addressing; here, the celebratory mood is likely to be forced just because we want an excuse to embark on our self-abusing behaviour.  What I am addressing is when your life genuinely starts to look good and you’re feeling good, and then you choose an unhealthy habit and you end up sabotaging yourself.

A typical description sounds like this:

They’ve stopped using.  They’ve been working out regularly, and their body is fitter and stronger.  People are commenting on how good they look.  They’ve learnt to take time out to relax and meditate.  They feel more balanced emotionally and less prone to anxiety.  They feel inspired and creative, perhaps picking up a project they had abandoned.  Overall, they’re feeling good, probably the best they’ve felt in years.  Their life is ripe with possibilities, all the things they’ve always wanted is within their reach…

Then all of a sudden, a thought comes into their head strong and clear: “I want to have a drink” or “I need to go on a hedonistic weekend.”  With that, they embark on the old road of addiction and find themselves in that awful, familiar place – sabotaging all the good they’ve achieved.  This happens not only for those addicted to substances; people also sabotage themselves this way in relationships and businesses.  What is it that makes feeling good so difficult to bear?

Most of us have been programmed to expect pain.  Therefore, when we find ourselves in the unfamiliar place of feeling good, we tend to sabotage it.  If you’ve been struggling in a painful place for a long time, experiencing abundance would be a new concept for you.  You’re simply not used to the feelings of having abundance.

This is similar to having ‘poverty consciousness’.  You might have read statistics of people who won the lottery only to lose all the money they’ve won within a very short time.  In wealth seminars, one of the things they get you to do is to raise your threshold for wealth – how much you believe you are worth deep down – so that you are driven to achieve more wealth and without sabotaging it.  But what I’m addressing is the feelings itself that come from having good things.  If feeling good is uncomfortable for you, you may need to raise your threshold for feeling good.  To make changes, we need to first know where we’re at – where is your current threshold?  How good can you stand?

If your self-concept does not fit into the concept of someone who experiences good, then you are likely to sabotage your situation so that it fits more into your concept of yourself as someone who is in pain – because no matter how good things have become, deep down it’s not what you’ve been programmed to achieve.

Perhaps you secretly believe that you deserve to be punished, and you’ve been dealing with deep-seated guilt and shame about who you are.  If this rings true for you, perhaps now is the time to take a real hard look at what you believe about yourself and work to change those beliefs.  Changing beliefs isn’t just about uttering positive statements to yourself over and over again – it involves the process of reconciling your relationship with yourself, making peace with yourself through forgiveness of yourself and/or others.

Another reason why we might sabotage ourselves is the fear of being disappointed – i.e. we believe that we won’t be able to sustain the good, so we preempt it being ended for us by ending it for ourselves.  One or even a series of disappointments in the past does not mean that it is the most probable outcome for you now, unless you choose to perpetuate that story.  It is fine to be cautious and learn from past mistakes,  but it is defeatist to expect disappointment all the time.

We do this in our heads long before we act on it – i.e. we note the possibility of a positive outcome but we quickly thrash it down just in case we jinx it.  There’s something almost superstitious about the way we think, as if the chance of us getting something good will be better if we don’t expect it.  Actually the reverse is true: if we don’t hold a sense of expectancy for something good to happen, there won’t be a space for it to happen, because when the good things start to come you’re likely to miss recognising it and continue on a self-defeating path.  Expectancy allows us to expand into the realm of positive outcomes, whereas expectation of disappointment closes off the door to this realm.

We fear the unknown.  The unknown is neither destructive nor expansive, but it stores the potential of both.  That’s why it’s so scary to think of stepping into the unknown.  Yet we must be brave to step into the unknown in order to claim the joyous.  We must allow ourselves to not know what form the positive outcome is going to look like and just expect to be able to experience joyousness that can come in any form.  The form is less important – what we can imagine right now is only limited, but the feelings of good can come from many, many different outcomes.

Every time you catch yourself taking a turn for the worse, through your own chosen behaviours, you mark that line that defines your feeling-good threshold.  In time, you’ll develop a definite sense of that threshold.  Next, you can stretch yourself to stay in the space of feeling good until it becomes more comfortable for you being in that space.  We can get used to anything if we stayed in it long enough – after a while, our tolerance will increase and what used to be uncomfortable will become less so.  With awareness that you’ve reached your threshold and that you are about to sabotage yourself but you’re choosing to stay in the space of feeling good, you can train yourself to stop reacting automatically and thus end up in a far better place for a prolonged period.  Life gets better for you as you learn to enjoy positive experiences.

The Transformational Effects Of Remorse

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In my work as an addiction counsellor, I often encounter issues of shame behind substance abuse.  The influence of shame on self-destructive habits looks something like this:

A person grew up with a belief that he is unworthy, damaged or a bad person.  He struggles with the pain and fear generated by this underlying belief and attempts to invalidate the belief through his actions and behaviours.  At the same time, because he has not reconciled his fear of this belief, he tends to perpetuate acts that substantiate the belief.

In other words, he is driven to prove this belief wrong (he does not want to believe it is true), and yet he does hold the belief to be true which makes him create opportunities to behave as if he is unworthy or a bad person – each action reinforcing in him that he is indeed unworthy or a bad person and widening the gap between what he wants to belief about himself and what the evidence is showing him.  This internal conflict creates a great deal of pain.  Drugs and alcohol usually come in as a coping strategy to take away this pain.

In recovery, the process begins with facing the truth of what a person’s life has become, taking responsibility for her role in creating the painful situations she now faces as she takes stock of her past actions, and linking certain patterns to her behaviours.  Without the effects of drugs and alcohol, she now feels the true intensity of her emotional pains.  The job of a counsellor is to help the client heal these pains and reconcile her relationship with herself.

How do you reconcile the fear that you are a bad person when the evidence is stacking up against you?

First of all, you need to stop the behaviours that reinforce that you are a bad person; you must stop acting as if you are a bad person.  Having the awareness of your patterns and tendencies, it is now in your power to clean up your actions.  As you clean up your actions and heal the effects of your past actions, you begin to redeem yourself in your own eyes and move away from believing that you are a bad person.

But merely changing your behaviours isn’t enough.  If you haven’t reconciled the pains in you, in time you will return to behaving in your old ways.  You must feel the remorse of your actions and move through a process of reconciling it within yourself.

What does this reconciliation look like?

A pain starts with a judgement we hold about ourselves as a result of something we have done or failed to do.  Feel the remorse – the shame, guilt and regret – until the energy moves and changes to an openness where you’re able to see the pain in a new light.  In this new energy, you’re able to move into forgiveness and eventually into gratitude as you gain an appreciation of the higher purpose of your pain.

This is a simplified description of the process of reconciliation as there is no formula for everyone and everytime – it simply describes the general movement of the process.  It is not a process that can be forced or rushed.  The remorse needs to be felt and understood emotionally before we can reconcile with it.

There is tremendous power in remorse.  If we allow ourselves to experience it properly, it cleanses us of who we’ve thought we were and enable us to move forward in our lives with a renewed sense of self.  Remorse breaks down the resistance we hold inside us which prevents us from growing.  It relaxes our ego’s hold on us and fills us with a sense of humbleness which grows into a spiritual awareness as we begin to realise that our actions have a domino effect on the entire world.  As we follow the effects of the power of our actions we find that it comes back to us in a complete circle of cause and effect, and this realisation can put the power back into our hands – the power to change and affect our world positively.

Waterfall Union

Boredom: A Golden Door Or Block?

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In my work to help people get off drugs and alcohol, I keep hearing “boredom” cited as a reason for substance abuse.  A lot of self-destructive behaviours are motivated by boredom – when life seems meaningless and no longer interesting, we seek out ways to inject more fun, danger, madness into our lives. 

Why do our lives become so boring?  The question we need to ask first is, why do we become bored with life? 

Human beings by nature seek stimulation, because we seek to grow.  Without stimulation, there can be no growth.  Stimulation implies movement, and growth is a movement.  Our deepest core is made up of a vibrant and creative energy that is alive all the time.  This is the core of who we really are.  Stagnation of any kind dampens our spirit and kills the passion in us.  We feel bored so we seek new experiences and in the process we enrich our lives and grow through the experiences. 

Life does not always become interesting for you, you have to look for the interesting bits.  And when you do look, you will likely discover an abundance of those bits.  One of the marvels of life is that we can make it the way we choose – if we look at it as boring, we will find evidence of it being boring; if we look at it as a treasure map and look enthusiastically for the treasures, we will find them. 

Life has the potential to be interesting, stimulating, exciting, enriching and fun.  Since our deepest being is also all of those, we only need to open our hearts and bridge to that potential.  When life seems boring, we are to push past that boredom and get to joy and beauty.  Boredom is often an illusion. 

A lot of people give up too quickly when faced with boredom.  They resign to the idea that life cannot be any more interesting, so they turn to using drugs.  Drugs is a quick fix.  But when the drugs wear off, the boredom is still there.  So it drives them to take more drugs to get more excitement, but that excitement is an illusion.  We can only trick ourselves momentarily and we quickly realise this, so we also quickly become addicted to drugs to maintain that illusion. 

People in recovery from drug addiction often start discovering that life can be exciting without drugs.  One of the most rewarding aspects of my work is to facilitate that process and witness someone’s discovery of joy when they peel the layers of their existence.  Often, that discovery comes when they allow themselves to slow down and deepen into the moment – which means becoming more present in the experience. 

Sometimes, after we’ve deepened into an experience, we realise that it really isn’t for us and then we opt for something else.  But if we don’t give ourselves the chance to find out, we might miss out on what might be an enriching experience.  Seek to deepen rather than to constantly move laterally.  Doing the latter tends to leave a trail of unfinished projects and a less-than-fulfilling life.  When we give ourselves the chance to find out more about an experience we are already in, we’re more likely to create more joy in our lives.  Even if an experience isn’t good for us, we’d only find the clarity to make changes after we’ve deepened into it. 

The word “flat” is sometimes used to imply boredom.  It’s an apt description because boredom makes our existence feel like a flat sheet that lies in front of us.  It is not that our existence has become flat, it’s that we have been cruising along life with a flat attitude – just passing time and not deepening into our experience.  If we gave ourselves the chance to find out by participating fully in life, looking beyond the apparent boredom, we would open a door which opens to more doors exponentially. 

Boredom a resistance to feeling

Sometimes boredom is a resistance to feeling uncomfortable feelings.  In terms of resistance, boredom falls into the same category as numbness (when we cannot feel), detachment and laziness.  If we feel bored, we’d want to stop what it is we’re doing and do something else, so we don’t stay in one place long enough to experience what is going to come.  Fear of experiencing discomfort should we stayed long enough can motivate us to manufacture boredom to get us to escape from feeling that discomfort.  Boredom can gives us the excuse to not participate in life. 

We may also manufacture boredom as a defence against feeling good feelings.  If we have a fear of success or grapple with feelings of unworthiness, the onset of opening up to a space of expansiveness where positive feelings and outcomes are possible can be a scary prospect.  So we put a block to it to stop ourselves from going into that space, and we manifest among other things boredom.  When we feel boredom, we can then tell ourselves that we’ve hit a wall and so we need to change our route. 

People who are addicted to drugs are prone to feeling bored easily (or people who get bored easily often become addicted to drugs).  In recovery, the responsible approach is to be honest about the emotions we feel and raise our awareness around our behaviours.  We stay with what is happening inside of us, address our conflicts and grieve our losses.  Drugs and alcohol allow us to escape from all these processes which are very scary to a lot of people, so instead of confronting what is happening, they create boredom to get out of it.  (This, of course, is often done without their conscious awareness – our fears often play out from the depths of our psyche.)          

In this case, we would stop feeling bored easily once the real issues are dealt with, our inner conflicts reconciled and our pains healed.  Boredom would no longer have a place in our lives, and suddenly, life becomes a whole lot more interesting – in a more stable, calmer way. 

Ultimately, passion and excitement are found within us.  We may seek something outside of us to feel stimulated but we can feel stimulated whether or not we encounter anything new in our external world.  When we are able to feel inspired and joyful without any external stimulus, our behaviours change to become more loving and self-loving.  Our external world instantly transforms into a playground full of fun and vibrancy.  But we’ve got to give ourselves that chance of finding this out.

The Perfection Of Imperfection

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One of the reasons why we fail to create lasting changes in our lives is we tend to focus on what is not-yet ‘perfect’ and using that as an excuse to sabotage our progress.  We tend to begin a process of change expecting to wake up one day with all our internal conflicts gone overnight.  It’s called a “process” because it is an ongoing journey of healing parts of ourselves.  But most of us expect our issues to disappear within a short time, and when we see that we’re still struggling, we consider ourselves to have failed.  So we go back to our old habits or old structure – full on – because “it’s all or nothing”. 

In our strive for perfection, we will never win.  That destination we call ‘perfection’ is an illusion – as we move closer to our concept of what is perfect, our standard for the thing we strive for will change, again and again, making it increasingly more difficult to be achieved.  As we strive for perfection, the distance to that which we consider perfect keeps increasing and our hope of becoming happier shrinks.   

In our strive for perfection, we miss out on the gifts of the moment.  We refuse to see that anything short of ‘perfection’ is worthy of us living it.  And because what we consider to be ‘perfect’ is impossible to achieve, we’re stuck in a limbo of unhappiness. 

The way out is to start by relaxing that childish refusal to consider a different option.  It is not all-or-nothing.  That space between “all” and “nothing” is where the greatest beauty and gifts can be found.  All we need to do is to give ourselves a chance to discover those gifts. 

People in recovery from addiction and other destructive habits often find the idea of abstinence a dreaded prospect.  That period following some changes that have been put into place usually means no alcohol, drugs or other sources of dependency as they create a clean space in which they’re able to find their self-sufficiency.  If you’ve been dependent on quick-albeit-destructive habits to cope with bad feelings, it can be difficult to see how you can possibly live a life of abstinence, even if it’s fairly short-term.  You would tend to see it as a big sacrifice, an unfair compromise, something that would leave you with very little to go on. 

Once you relax your refusal to accept that there might be something really worthwhile in the change, you’ll open up to the beauty of an alternative outcome.  It is very much a matter of focus – if you focus on what you’re giving up, you’ll feel the deprivation; if, on the other hand, you focus on what positive things your new way of life may bring you, you’ll find the gifts. 

Instead of striving for perfection to warrant a new lifestyle, see the perfection in the ‘imperfection’ of things.  If you adopt this mentality every step of the way, your period of abstinence or apparent lack-of will become a rich experience for you.  When you feel despondent as you focus on the negative, keep your attention on it until you see the beauty in it surface.  Everything is a source of beauty; if you focus on something long enough, you will see beautiful aspects emerge from it. 

Our mind is quick to judge, based on our previous experiences and the way we’ve learnt to categorise things under ‘good’ or ‘bad’.  But when we give something a chance, by simply looking at it longer than usual, we’ll see aspects we never saw before. 

 

Look at the picture above.  A sloppily-constructed stair that replaced a broken one.  Depending on the context, it may be ugly or beautiful.  In the context of someone’s home, we’d normally label it as ugly, but in the context of an art gallery, we may label it as something quite beautiful.  So the potential of both exists.  This stair, in the context of someone’s home, can be seen as beautiful if we focus on it long enough.  As we keep our focus on it, we move past our automatic judgements and see a myriad other possibilities out of it, until we find perfection in it.  This is the only way we can reach perfection, and what an enriching way that is.