Choice

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August 22, 2008

Relaxing The Ego To Make Empowered Choices

Posted by Amyra under Awareness, Choice, Ego
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In my previous posting, I stated that change is an ongoing process.  The acceptance that life is meant to be a voyage of discovering more authentic parts of ourselves, rather than a pursuit of a state of perfection we expect to achieve overnight, will make us much happier.  As long as we remain present in life, we would be able to take on the signs that are shown to us to keep us moving forward in our growth.  The quickest way to accelerate our growth is to observe how we respond from our ego and then make more empowered choices from a higher perspective. 

Observing how we respond and how much hold our ego has on us which determines our response can point us to where work needs to be done.  It’s one of those sticky paradoxes though: our ego prevents us from admitting to our weaknesses, yet to get to know that part of us requires us to pay attention to it. 

The function of our ego is to protect us from being hurt.  Unfortunately, it operates from a primal fear of how we can be hurt that what it perceives as threats to us is over-extended, outside of the appropriate context.  Hence, we tend to react to what others do or don’t do, say or don’t say, from a place of fear that we’d be damaged in some way or deprived of something we hold as valuable to us.  This fear is not real, in the sense that it is misplaced.  When we protect ourselves from this level of fear, we act in ways that cause us more hurt.  This is distinct from protecting our personal values and against true violations of what we stand for at our core. 

Problems in relationships arise when two people react from their egos.  Rather than act in ways that further the relationships and that allow them to grow as individuals, they trap themselves in a low level struggle of pettiness and one-upmanship.  When we work on freeing ourselves from the hold of our ego, a lot of our tensions would dissipate. 

How do we free ourselves from our ego? 

Step 1:  Notice your feelings

Begin by taking notice when your ego is pulling you to act in ways which perpetuate your struggles.  Observe your internal reactions to a situation.  You will feel a tightening - an uncomfortable feeling - as if your inner space is contracting to put up a defensive wall around you in response to feeling angry, resentful, jealous or short-changed.  You will recognise this as a defensive feeling. 

Mentally, your mind will construct thoughts that are tantrum-like, such as “Who does she think she is?” or “I’m going to show that bastard!”  or “He’s going to be sorry!”  It speaks in themes of hoarding, revenge and braggadocio.  Our automatic response is to impress, lie, manipulate, rob or cause suffering to another - because we feel we’re about to lose out on something.  Such response, should we act on it, can be subtle and insidious, with an agenda behind it. 

Step 2:  Delay taking action

Once you recognise that you’re driven to respond to a particular situation from your ego, refrain from acting on it.  This momentary pause in acting on your automatic impulse will give you the space to consider options that don’t result in instant gratifications but in advancing you in your personal growth. 

See, we grow by taking risks.  Ego-free responses carry a bigger risk than ego-driven actions.  The risk I am talking about is the risk of our getting hurt (actually, it’s our ego that is at risk of getting hurt).  We take that risk, holding an intention that is higher than the mere protection of our egos - the intention to conserve some core part of us.  We take that risk by fully accepting and being willing to put up with temporary discomfort, and in the process our ego heals from our having moved through the false pain it carries. 

Step 3:  Clear your inner space

When our ego has a strong hold on us, however, it can be quite difficult for us to choose a more loving option.  Let’s look at freeing ourselves from our ego from an energetic view. 

When you know you’re reacting from your ego, get a sense of where the tightness is located in your body.  Next, get a sense of the energetic strands that hold this tightness to your body.  You may be able to visualise or perceive in some other way these strands. 

Now relax the hold of your ego by mentally dissolving those strands until you feel freed from the strong hold that pulls you to act towards preserving your ego.  Once freed, your inner space will expand, allowing more options to appear.  In this calmer space, you’ll be more able to choose and take more loving steps that make you grow. 

Step 4:  Give it away

As you relax your ego’s hold on you and your inner space expands, the energy that is freed from the tension produced by the fear of your ego goes back to you and you’re reconnected to your resources within.  You gain a new perspective - rather than perceiving the situation as desperate which drives you to act desperately, you’re able to see other possibilities and consider new options. 

At this point, you may choose any action that counters the direction your ego wants you to go.  But you can go one step further by giving away some of the energy that’s been returned to you - a loving, altruistic action that may not have anything to do with the situation. 

The way to counter ego-pulled actions is to go the opposite way and act as if you are abundant and thus cannot be diminished.  The effect of acting big is it leaves you feeling big-hearted - you derive fulfilment from knowing that you’ve contributed to another and not from scoring petty points which leaves a trace of bitterness in your heart.  Thus, you turn what had been uncomfortable into an empowering experience.   

 

Often, we fail to grow because we don’t give ourselves that chance.  The little actions that we take in response to other people’s actions, when we choose to act contrary to what our ego dictates, we break out of being stuck with a set of patterns that cause us and others pain.  As you practise countering your ego’s pull and act in ways that further your growth, you’ll find that a lot of your tensions in life will lessen.  

 

June 15, 2008

Changing Our State Is A Matter of Choice

Posted by Amyra under Awareness, Change, Choice
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The other day I was co-facilitating a group and found myself feeling tired.  My tendency, when tired, is to float along with whatever I am doing, resigned to the fact that my energy is low and that there’s nothing to be done until it is over and I can get to a private place to recharge myself.  What that means is that my attention in the interim would be diffused.  This time, however, knowing that it was important for me to stay focused and alert, I took steps to change my state right there and then.  Within a few minutes, I felt clear and refreshed.    

It showed me that (a) we indeed have the power to shift our state (we’re not stuck in it); and (b) it comes down to consciously taking the step to make a choice to change. 

This applies to so many things.  The first step in change is awareness - the kind of awareness that is crystal clear, because we make it so.  Fogginess in our awareness is often a conscious choice - we choose to not be fully clear about something because of some fear we have around it.  We can learn a lot about ourselves by examining our fear but at some point we need to make the choice to shift gears and move away from being trapped by it.  That choice is preceded by a moment of intense clarity about our situation when we’ve made a choice to see it for what it is. 

In my experience above, I chose to:

  • 1. Acknowledge that I was tired.
  • 2. Accept that I was tired.
  • 3. Take steps to change it.

These three steps were executed consciously, deliberately, with full awareness and the intention to change my situation.  A simple example, perhaps, which may not be fairly compared to more complex situations, but the principles at work are the same.  In any situation, we can look at how we’ve failed to bring changes because we have not taken any of those steps above. 

Acknowledging the truth of a situation is the first step to change.  This involves choosing to be aware, which also means choosing to elevate our level of awareness so that we see it clearly.  We may not be able to be clear at first attempt, but a clear intention to have clarity about our situation will push us up a notch in awareness every time we make it.  Once that clarity sets in, we’re able to see the truth of the situation.  Acknowledging it is simply to note to ourselves what we now see clearly. 

But having acknowledged something does not mean that we’ve accepted it.  We note that it is there but we do not accept it.  You may protest at this stage, “Of course I don’t accept it, that’s the whole point of change!”  Bear with me as I expand on it (it’s one of those tricky, paradoxical things but once we’ve grasped the concept it’s a breeze to practise).  Accepting a situation does not mean that we choose to remain in that situation.  Acceptance means to drop deeper into the truth of the situation rather than to fight it by denying that truth.  This brings out the dual qualities of that situation so that we can see possibilities of a better outcome, which is what motivates us to change.  When we fight the truth of something, we block ourselves from seeing our full potential.  All that resistance creates a wall around us, trapping us in a desperate drive to escape from an undesirable situation and into an ego-driven option.  This is why so often we become stuck in an undesirable situation long after we’ve acknowledged it is there.  But when we relax into the truth of it, our world expands and more options are presented to us. 

The third step of change is to take actual steps to move out of our current state.  In my case, after I’d acknowledged being tired and dropped into acceptance of it, I began to examine what I could do to move out of my tired state. 

I like to work with the four levels of our body.  I’ve found that the physical and spiritual bodies are closely linked, as are the emotional and mental bodies.  Our physical body is a vessel that holds and allows our spiritual self to express itself on the physical plane of existence.  Stagnation felt in our physical body (which often manifests as low energy) is rarely due solely to physical causes.  Even when physical causes have a part in it, it is often the energetic element that causes us to feel tired in our body. 

Physically, I grabbed a bottle of water and gulped it down, which immediately made me feel clearer.  This had the effect of pushing out the stagnant energy and increasing energy flow in my body.  Using my mind, I directed the flow of energy along with the imagined flow of water in my system, which gave me a palpable sensation of energy moving rather than stagnant.  On a mental level, I did a quick examination of my thoughts and replaced negative thoughts with positive ones.  This changed my emotional state to being more positive.  As I focused on the positive emotions, they expanded until I was filled with a positive energy, which caused more energy to flow in my body. 

All this happened in a matter of minutes, and I wasn’t tired anymore.  Then I thought to myself, if I could change my state quickly like this, what’s to stop me from staying in a positive state all the time?  I could remain clear, alert, focused and get to achieve more in all my projects. 

If I choose it.  It boils down to whether we want to or not, which dictates whether we choose one way or another.  There’s great comfort in staying in pain (something which I shall write more about later).  Most of the time, we already have the tools to get out of an undesirable situation.  The greatest challenge isn’t about getting the tools but in choosing to apply them to bring changes to our situation.  Our reluctance to make that choice to move towards something more positive often stems from a resistance deep inside us, and that resistance must be addressed.  For now, the point I want to get across is that the actual steps in bringing changes to our situation are usually not difficult to execute once we’ve made the choice to do so.  We may find that every time we practice positive change, the resistance in us weakens until one day we’re able to flow willingly and joyfully towards those things that actually bring us happiness.