May 22, 2009

Diving Into The Inspiration Of Dream-Following

Posted by Amyra under Fear, Flexibility, Healing, Inspiration, Responsibility, Self-Actualisation, Self-Sabotage, Self-Worth
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Recently, I’ve been inspired by a couple of good friends who plunged into the adventure of pursuing their shared dream.  In doing so, they demonstrated their faith in staying true to their dreams.  They’ve reminded me of the value of following the internal compass of desire despite persisting fears.  Moreover, they’ve stirred up my own sense of ambition and adventure around some forgotten dreams which I’ve stored in the back burner as I buried myself in work in the past 13 months.

As I examined my own fears around pursuing my dreams, I realised that a lot of the fears are just excuses.  They aren’t that real once I put myself through an honesty test.  Whenever I spoke to my dream-following friends, I would get a spurt of inspiration to nurture my own dreams.  I knew that this inspiration would not last, so I dived into the energy of Inspiration to set forth some actions.

Inspiration is a powerful force that can turn dreams into reality.  It’s a feeling of being deeply-moved and of spirit dancing with joy.  It releases a flood of ideas and possibilities in our minds.  Dreams get a clearer tint when we’re inspired.  It seems and feels all so possible, so worth pursuing.

Great things can be achieved when we dive into Inspiration.  It supports us in our journey to making our dreams come true by elevating us from the level where fear operates.  What are some of the common fears that stop people from pursuing their dreams?

Dream Killers

Worthiness is a common issue – you may stop yourself from realising your dreams because you don’t really believe you are worthy of them.  Another way of saying this is, your dreams may appear to be too great for who you think you are.  While you want it, you’re not allowing yourself to get it, so your efforts often get cancelled out.  Before you can achieve what you want, you need to work on increasing your self-worth so that your dreams can match who you think you are.

The fear of not being good enough may block you from going after your dreams in case you fail.  Perhaps a history of being disappointed has created a nightmare of having positive expectations and then being let down, or putting effort into something and then failing, that continues to haunt you today.  You shy away from taking a leap into the unknown, feeling safe to step forward only if you’re assured of the outcome.  The downside to this is that you live a less-than-fulfilling life and your dreams remain unrealised because you may never feel safe enough to venture forth.

The way forward is to honour your dream while keeping an open mind about what the outcome may be.  This is the best mindset to adopt around dream-following.  It would not imply failure on your part should the outcome turn out to be different from your dream.  The gift may not be the outcome you envision but something you discover along the way of pursuing your dream; the dream may only be an illusion to drive you to what you really need.

Then there is the fear of being good (which is just as damaging as the fear of being not good enough).  If in the past you’ve been persecuted for being successful, you might think twice today about actualising your potential.  So you minimise your exposure and stay under the rock to avoid any chance of being judged for what you’re doing.  It’s likely that you have overblown the proportion of judgements against the encouragement and support you will get.  A change from focusing on the potential judges to focusing on those who will admire you for pursuing your dream will start to shift your view to a more balanced perspective.

Knowing that those who judge you will tend to be projecting their own inadequacies may help you to take their judgements less personally.  And knowing that people’s perception of you is not set in stone can help you to transcend your current feelings around certain people – sometimes, we stop ourselves from doing something because we anticipate critical reactions from only a few people in our life, not the whole world.  Know that these people may start to feel more respect for you or even find inspiration from you.

If the thought of leaving someone else in pain about their own inadequacies is a major deterrent to your own success, you’ve got to stop feeling pity for them.  The fact that the idea of this person suffering is deterring you from being happy means that you care about the person.  Feeling pity for someone is disempowering and degrading.  Elevate your view of that person.  Recognise their strengths and achievements.  In your mind, raise them to your level so that you can appreciate the existence of unique paths in life, rather than seeing it as a game field of winners and losers.

A lot of our emotional-mental blocks to self-actualisation are fears that are irrational.  They are leftovers from our childhood pains and are no longer valid.  As an adult, those fears are keeping us stuck.  We may need to heal the emotions that are imbedded in those experiences on which we base our current reality.  Then we can move on from that past reality to create a bright future for ourselves.

How Real Are Your Limitations?

There are many people who complain about not having any dreams to pursue.  I don’t know what it is that I want to do…  I don’t have something I am passionate about….  Life is dull and uninteresting…. The sad thing is that many of those who do have a dream that inspires them will then find it hard to move forward with that dream.

Often, what we perceive to be limitations that get in the way of our dreams aren’t that real.  Some of the common deterrents I keep hearing from people are the lack of resources (financial, contacts, market demand), geographical limitations, relationship considerations and work commitments.  If you put every one of those limitations to the test – with brutal honesty – you’re likely to find some creative ways around it.  Also, by stretching your internal resources, you’ll find that you can summon those qualities which you believe are important to pursuing and living your dream.

Staying true to what you hold as important to you is an admirable trait.  Yet sometimes in being too rigid about what we won’t compromise can result in us compromising ourselves.  In dream-following, having the flexibility to consider other options will open doors to being on our path to that dream.

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May 20, 2009

Being Honest About Your True Feelings

Posted by Amyra under Denial, Emotional Pain, Honesty, Letting Go, Resistance, Responsibility, Shame, Truth
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The Bangkok Post featured a two-page story about our centre last weekend.  In the interview with me, the first question I was asked was, “What’s it like to work with VIPs and stars?”  I was rather disappointed as I was hoping that the writer would want to know more about the therapeutic process for our clients.  Although I managed to bridge the question to some of what I’d wanted to convey, I was left feeling that I would have liked to be able to share more of what the internal processes entail in the road to recovery and self-growth.

It turned out to be a bit of a sensationalitic piece.  From a marketing perspective, it is great PR.  As a former marketing and media member, I appreciate the thought.  As a therapist, however, my primary focus is on helping people to reconcile their internal struggles.  I have a passionate drive to share what I’ve observed, and personally experienced, to be keys to liberating ourselves from our mental imprisonment.  Then I remembered, this is why I have created this blog!  Here, I am free to share to my heart’s content – without the constraints of news angles and deadlines.

What I really like to share today is something that sounds very simple, yet can be extremely difficult to put into practice.  If you do, it can bring you a powerful shift, heal long-held pains, and open up your world.  The technique is this: own up to how you are really feeling about a situation.  For any healing or self-development to take place, we must first be willing to be honest with ourselves.  Real change cannot occur if you hold back from admitting to yourself the feelings you are really feeling.

People can spend years working on a specific issue without breaking through to a real level of growth.  They profess to want change, yet are unable to see any real and lasting changes in their lives.  Often, you’ll find that there is something that the person has not been totally honest about.  Not even to themselves.  They expend a lot of energy trying to push away a feeling that keeps wanting to be acknowledged.  But the feeling only grows the more it is suppressed.

We tend to push away painful feelings, we try not to feel them fully, for several reasons.

  1. You’re afraid of the intensity of the feeling should you admit to it.  Trust me, the more you try to push it away, the more painful and prolonged it is going to be.  Admitting to your pain may make you feel the pain fully in the short term, but as long as you stay with it, without any resistance, it will ease off eventually.
  2. You’re afraid of losing something should you admit to it.  Usually it is tied to an egoistical motivation – the need to be validated, to feel superior, to have more, to hoard something or someone.  There’s a need to hold on to something or a belief around it, to the extent that you compromise your trust with yourself.  If you’re fighting against your truth, you no longer can trust yourself.
  3. You’re too embarassed to admit how you’re really feeling.  What if people knew this is how I feel? You project the shame of being judged, so you hide your truth.  If you deny it to yourself, you won’t have to face the possibility of your truth being out in the open where people can judge you.  You’ve jumped ahead of yourself.  Start with the step of being honest with yourself.  When you can feel the benefit of it, you can decide whether or not you want to share it with other people.  Things will change for you once you can be honest with yourself.

What happens when you admit to yourself how you’re really feeling?  You will be able to experience the emotion fully.  That’s all it is.  Experience it on the emotional level, even if it is tied to a thought, idea or belief.  You may experience it as a wave of pain, a prickling sensation or a rush of heat coursing through your body.  Completely let go of your resistance and allow yourself to feel the movement of pain.  Breathe in the truth of it.  Stay with the discomfort until it naturally subsides.

When you stop resisting, a lot of your energy will come back to you.  You may even feel an instant rush of energy, or you may experience the return of energy in some other way – such as a deep relief/inner relaxation or a noticeable change in vibes around you.

Truth cuts through the bullshit, creating a door out of your Prison Of Lies.  If it’s something you’ve been denying for a long time, being honest about your feelings will change your life.  Even if you choose to keep your truth from others, I recommend that you commit to being as honest as possible with yourself.  Hopefully, with practice, you will, like me, grow to enjoy the process and the results.

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April 28, 2009

Focusing On Good Things

Posted by Amyra under Abundance, Negativity, Scarcity, Spiritual Joy
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A few months ago during clinical supervision, I brought up some personal issues for discussion with my therapist.  He pointed out that I had been coming from scarcity rather than abundance.  Since then, I’ve been working on focusing more on the gifts in situations that appear to be negative.  Through the process, I discovered how easy it is to let myself slip and get caught up in negativity.

That’s why a consistent practice of nurturing our mental-emotional wellbeing is so vital in managing stress levels and ensuring that we maintain a good presence of mind to deal with the normal stresses of life.  The danger of over-exerting ourselves is that we can convince ourselves we can handle more than we’re capable of.  Excesses in lifestyle such as over-consumption of ‘good food’, substance abuse, over-working, over-sleeping or any self-harming activities can go on for years before we realise the toil it has taken on us.  By then, we’re likely to have set into a very negative mindset, because such excesses tend to sap us of any energy left to nurture ourselves properly.

By then, we’re also more prone to confuse our motivations.  In our attempts to make ourselves feel better, we may seek validation from others and act out our neediness.  The mentality of scarcity has set in.  We may obsess over something someone said or did – trying to extract the last drop of validation to fill a bottomless pit.

It’s a bit like the hungry ghost who gobbles up food that never reaches his stomach, so that no matter how much he takes in it can never satiate his hunger.  The ghost is condemned to forever find food to fill his stomach even though the outcome is predictable.  He is miserable because he is trapped in an eternity of seeking food and knowing that it will never take away the hunger – settling for that brief moment of promise when he’s about to put food into his mouth.  Rather than finding other ways to end his misery, he continues to do what will only prolong his misery.

Finding a way out of this space can be difficult, but once you find the door, it can be a breeze.  One of the ways I’ve found to be helpful is to allow myself to be spiritually-moved.  It requires me to drop deeper into my being, beyond all the muck I’ve accumulated, and find my spirit.  My spirit is the part of me that is undamaged and unchanged by any harshness in life.  Then I allow myself to feel movement from the depth of me as I focus on something positive that someone has expressed, something that’s happened to me, or something I’ve done which has stretched me.  I focus on this until I feel an expansion of my spirit.

Your whole world can change by practising this.  In the analogy of the hungry ghost, I like to think that spiritual expansion will do wonders in evolving him into a higher form of spirit that does not feel hunger!  For us, finding a moment to break through the madness we’ve created can change our perception of what is manageable and what is not.

To further counter negative thinking, you can easily adopt a habit of focusing on what you gain rather than what you’ve lost in every situation that appears to be negative.  Even if it may seem that you have lost something, you can tap into the deeper gift of it.  A lifetime of focusing on the negative is how we’ve come to develop a mentality of scarcity.  As such, you may find it challenging to see abundance when it’s there.  Look closer and deeper.  It is there.  And don’t just see it.  Bring the feeling of abundance into your whole being.  Breathe it into the part of you that is trying to push it away until you’ve fully-accepted it as abundance in your life.  Let the feeling grow to one of joy and vastness.

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April 16, 2009

Growing Through The Guidance Of Others

Posted by Amyra under Change, Ego, Mentoring, Spiritual Growth
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In the pursuit of spiritual growth, meeting and learning from the people we come across through our work and social life remains one of the most enriching experiences.  Who we surround ourselves with can make a big difference between staying stuck and realising our full potential.  The power of that lies in us: we can hang out with people who aren’t growing or we seek the company of those who inspire us to better ourselves.

Of course, we can also learn from those who are stuck.  By observing how they live we remind ourselves how we don’t want to live, which would give us more focus and clarity about how we do want to live.  Moreover, we can use the emotional responses we have towards them to understand ourselves better.

But learning from someone you admire and respect gives you another level of growth.  If you’re lucky enough to meet someone who inspire you because of what they’ve  accomplished in life whilst staying true to their deep personal values – one who seeks continued growth and is generous in sharing his knowledge – you stand to gain much for your personal growth.

Today, I said goodbye to one such person in my life.  Steve Wyer had been our lead therapist for a year and he returns to the U.K. today.  I have seen myself grow tremendously as a therapist and as a person since knowing him.  Let me take stock of what had made our relationship work….

How to Recognise a Good Potential Teacher

For a start, Steve has a way of feeding back to me my shortcomings, weaknesses, limitations, excesses or discrepancies – in a way that makes me want to hear it and able to accept it.  He does this in an honest but caring way.

He leads by example of what he has accomplished for himself.  Unlike many so-called teachers who preach from an insincere place, Steve speaks from his own experiences.  He has turned his own life around powerfully – by not copping-out, taking full responsibility and stepping up to become who he is today.

With Steve, what you see is what you get.  He is humble and openly admits to his own shortcomings.  He does not wear his past struggles like a badge of honour.  He shares only with the intention of helping others.

Like me, Steve is committed to growth.  He strives for experiences that push him to be better and more whole as a person.  I’ve seen how quickly he is able to check in on himself and make changes to the way he thinks and responds to a situation.  Through him, I’ve learnt that change is not only truly possible but easier than I’d feared.

Steve is skilled in the art of subtlety (though this may seem unimaginable when you first meet him and if you take him at face value).  He is open and honest, yet brilliant in getting through to people using subtlety.  Through him, I learned to have a greater appreciation of the subtle shades in every situation.

Finding a teacher is not easy and the best teacher is often ‘an unlikely teacher’ with whom we come into contact unexpectedly and without our setting out to find one.  But even the best teachers will not give you the learnings you need unless you know how to be a good student.

How to be a Good Student

Firstly, you must want to grow.  The drive to grow is inherent in all of us but sometimes buried under a pile of negativity if our lives were overtaken by our struggles to get out of unwanted situations.  Our drive to eradicate struggling becomes more eminent than the drive to become the best we can be.  Sometimes, the struggle to be free from unwanted situations can be a manifestation of the drive to grow – the difference being that the former is focused on changing the situations while the latter is focused on changing the self.

As soon as you make this shift in focus, you take responsibility to look at what you can do, what is within your power to change.  It gives you back a sense of control in your life because you are now focused on your abilities and strengths.  Once you do that, more options become available to you, and you can calmly move into changes.  Change in self becomes the driving force to affect changes in your situations.

Many relationships break up because one party is not growing while the other party seeks to grow.  Within that relationship, if you feel you aren’t growing when you want growth, that the relationship isn’t supporting your growth, then you will seek to grow outside that relationship.  But very often, we don’t communicate enough about the incongruent levels of growth in a relationship, especially if the other person seems to be content with the status quo.  We stay put because we fear change.

When you’re able to get to the level of wanting to grow, you are making a commitment to change, and that includes a willingness to face up to some uncomfortable feelings.  This level of commitment to growth gives you a feeling of being solid within yourself.  Even though the process of growing requires you to feel weak and vulnerable at first, that emotional risk you take of putting yourself in a place where you might feel rejection and shame (which may or may not be the result) will lead you to a stronger place within yourself.

Growth implies change.  Any change means that we must let go of what we currently hold on to – whether it is something physical, a belief about something or an emotionally-charged idea about someone.  That damned ego must be coaxed to relax its grip so that we can move into the unknown space where all is possible (including the possibility of pain though the probability of finding joy here is greater).  You can’t get to this place unless you let go of what you hold on to now.

A good teacher will recognise that she learns as much from her student as the student learns from her.  As a student, this should not be your focus in your relationship with your teacher (lest you develop an entitlement attitude) but you need to adopt a give-and-take attitude in your interactions with your teacher.  Just because you’ve found someone whom you can learn from does not mean that you can be selfish in that relationship.  Give from your heart, sincerely, and be a good friend back.

A good teacher-student relationship might never have to be stated as such.  As long as you are aware of learning from someone, that makes you his student.  What you do internally with the information you get, and what you do differently in your interactions with others as a result of the internal changes, determine whether you are learning and growing.

A lot of times, your teacher will tell you things that are difficult for you to hear, no matter how subtly it is put across.  If you are committed to grow as a person, you would take on this information no matter how uncomfortable it feels.  Once you’ve accepted the feedback, you’ll be able to examine within yourself how true it is and what implications it has on your life.  In recognising your truth, you will grow.

As you grow, begin to step up, using what you have learnt so far.  Step up to the level you aspire to now.  This allows you to check yourself and make the necessary adjustments along the way.  The best way to grow is to keep growing.  If you take setbacks in the spirit of learning, they become valuable feedback to further your growth.

Check with your teacher if you need guidance but use what you already have.  This will prevent you from using your teacher as a crutch or substitute for your inadequacies.  Inadequacies are often imagined, real only in your mind.  They are also easily corrected by jumping into the water and finding your way out.

Of course, for any relationship to work, it is essential to establish trust.  Trust is developed by observing how someone operates to remove any cause for distrust such as betrayal, manipulation or any other forms of misrepresentation.  For your part, you need not be a model citizen to earn the right to learn from someone.  The prerequisite is simply a willingness to listen, to consider what you’ve been told, to make appropriate changes.

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March 21, 2009

Lessons On Fear From Bug-Eating

Posted by Amyra under Fear, Humour, Meanings/Associations, Paranoia, Self-Sabotage, Symbols
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I finally ate bugs!  Since discovering that bugs are a culinary specialty in Thailand, I’d been wanting to one day taste them.  I had my first experience of eating an assortment of deep-fried bugs today.  My verdict: they are quite chewy and well-seasoned, slightly buttery in taste.  Not bad. 

Several clients at our centre had been talking about trying bugs and I asked the kitchen staff to buy a variety of them from the market so we could all eat them together (it’s always easier to do something challenging in a group than alone).  A few hours later, I was called to join the bug fest.  On my way there, I felt a tinge of regret and fright – there was no getting out of it since it had been my idea!  I had to just get on with it, with as little drama as possible. 

The experience of just-doing-it-despite-fears-threatening-to-creep-in-and-making-a-big-mental-mess-that-stops-you-from-proceeding reminded me of a great lesson in managing our fears. 

In another context, I could have easily made a big drama out of it.  In this environment, where I am constantly helping people to manage their fears, there’s no room for copping out or indulging in silly dramas.  This was my first reminder: it is within our power to decide the state we will be in.  Different environments, and our response to a certain degree depends on what’s and who’s in the environment, but I am a constant in these environments. 

I looked at the platter of bugs on the table.  There was no way I was going to start with a big creature, so I chose, out of the smaller ones, the crispiest, most well-fried and least buggy-looking one.  Once I started chewing, all the nasty associations were gone.  I was just eating.  I felt glad that I had gotten over the hurdle.  I ate three other varieties of bugs.  Second reminder about fear: once you’ve made the first jump, the rest is easy.  You wonder why it took you so long to take that first step.  Bug-eating is probably a once-off experience for me but so often in other instances our fears hold us back from advancing forward, from beginning a chain of actions that allow us to accomplish great things. 

After munching on several of the smaller bugs, I found myself challenging the others to eat the big, more intimidating ones.  I gulped inwardly as the others started to meet my challenge.  It was my turn.  I looked at a bug that looked like a cross between a big grasshopper and a fat cricket, and I recoiled.  Actually, it looked like an alien in hibernation – a big head, eyes perfectly intact, legs like they were arms folded across the body.  With a shudder, I put it back on the plate.  My normally lovely clients turned to cruelty as they said, “If you don’t do it, we will lose all respect for you as a therapist.”  

With that, I popped the big guy into my mouth.  All my senses were screaming, “This is wrong,” as I fought where my mind was going.  I had to stop my mind from going any further in making more and more associations to what I was eating.  With a mouthful of insect, I oscillated between transcending my fears and moving towards a full-fledged terror.  My third reminder on fear: the meanings we attach to things can make a huge difference in whether we move forward positively or stay stuck. 

I was associating the bug in my mouth with a wriggly, dirty cockroach… or worse.  A few days ago, I had watched ‘The Exorcism of Emily Rose’ in which there was a scene where the girl picks up a spider from the floor and eats it.  I have a fear of spiders.  If I had allowed myself to make an association between the bug in my mouth and a spider, I might not have been able to finish eating it.  In reality, the bug was a good protein source, probably packed with goodness and cleaner than other meats.  I was disturbed by the fact that it had been a living creature with legs, but it’s not that different from eating say, a shrimp.  In fact, I was just chewing a piece of cooked meat. 

Halfway through chewing the thing, I blurted out, “The head is good.”  It came out spontaneously and the others chuckled.  From then on, all fears were gone.  Fourth reminder about fear: humour is a good distraction.  It interrupts the progression of fear and breaks up the tension of fear.  It changes the energy or mood of the experiencer such that they are free from the grip of fear. 

The next time I eat bugs, the occasion will be devoid of fanfare.  I will simply pick one up and eat it, if I feel like it.  If eating bugs does not appeal to me, I will simply walk away.  There will be no issue and no drama.  Fifth reminder: the action we take to confront a fear and get to the other side of it breaks up the tension we hold around it.  The breaking-up of that tension frees us to get on with our lives and create many wonderful things. 

But the absence of this tension may feel uncomfortable at first, and we may be tempted to hold on to it or to re-create that tension to give us a sense of false security.  The greatest lesson about fear is that when we are free from it, it presents us with the freedom to create a life that gives us true joy.  Most of the time, however, our tendency is to retreat into the chaos-filled world of fear and anguish.  It takes courage to step into the joyful unknown and to stay there until a new reality takes form, reassuring our minds that what’s there is safe.  It is a realm in which our spirits can flourish and grow. 

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January 22, 2009

A Symbol Of Healing

Posted by Amyra under Healing, Symbols
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In my previous post, I wrote about the meanings we assign to things we see around us and how that can determine our state of being.  This morning, I made an association to something I saw and a healing was brought into my awareness.  A cold morning and I was working out in the gym when I saw this: 

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This is one of the stumps of a big tamarind tree that was cut down about six months ago because its leaves, which were falling in copious amounts, were staining the pool water, making it very difficult to maintain clear water in the pool.  I was sad when the news was announced as I had spent days meditating by the tree and had felt connected to it.  When the tree choppers were sawing off the tree, I had sympathised with the tree to the point where I almost felt as if my body was being sawn into half.  I remember hearing the sound of chainsaw and feeling a pain twisting into my torso.    

Today I saw for the first time new leaves growing out of the stump.  Fresh, baby leaves that spell rejuvenation.  It was no longer a dead thing.  I instantly recognised what I was seeing: the restoration of some dead part of me, a rejuvenation of my spirit, the purity of new life.  I was bursting from joy and moved by the recognition of a great healing.

 

January 17, 2009

Making Meaning Out Of Life

Posted by Amyra under Empowerment, Symbols
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I feel wonderful today.  Fifteen years ago, I wouldn’t have imagined myself saying this on the day I turn 40.  Growing old was just one of the many fears I struggled with, and my age-obsessed self then could not see any reason to go on existing beyond the age of 29.  I remember cringing at every birthday, feeling myself sapped of life, as if another building block to the structure that held me together was being pulled out.  Now I know that it was an illusion maintained by a practice of constantly looking out for bad things. 

The fear of growing old is an easy one to develop as it has been cultivated by the media and used in advertising to reinforce a feeling of lack in people to make more sales.  For someone who lacks confidence, it’s easy to buy into this fear since the message is reinforced around us that we need to be young to be happy.  Back then, I was insecure, depressed and had low self-worth – and growing old became a threat beyond my control: how could I fight time, which seemed to be moving towards me without my having any say in it? 

Today, I have learnt to work not against but with time, to ride along in its progression and gain more power on its back.  Time is a vehicle but it is only one of many dimensions; it does not have the power to define life and death without other dimensions coming into play as well. 

Meanings, associations, symbols

On 1st of January, I remarked to a group of people how great I was feeling.  Caught in a celebratory and capricious mood, I had said in a rather whimsical, new-agey way, “I can feel the new year energy and it feels so positive!”  Someone then solemnly asked me, “I’m wondering if there really are special forces during certain events… I mean, how is today different from any other day?”  A very good question, I thought, and answering it reminded me of how far I’ve come.   

Was the energy of that day better just because it was the first day of the new year?  Maybe, maybe not.  But nowadays, I look for opportunities to feel good.  In the past, I would always look for evidence that life is shit and people are cruel.  Walk on the same trail and you will find whatever it is you are looking for: do you look for ten ugly items or ten things of beauty? 

I have a different mindset now.  I used to look for reasons to feel bad.  Now I look for reasons to celebrate.  This new mindset has changed my whole outlook on life and also my world. 

My colleague Steve Wyer likes to say, “Life instrinsically does not have any meaning until we give it meaning.”  That’s right, we have to look for the meaning in life.  To assign meanings to what we come across in life.  We have the freedom to make life whatever we choose and it is something we can control – we assign negative meanings and it becomes negative, and vice-versa. 

If someone gave you ten dollars, what does it mean to you?  What do you want it to mean?  That they’re being kind to you and so you must be someone worthy of being treated nicely?  Or that they’re feeling sorry for you and therefore you are pathetic and worthless?  We make associations like that all the time, triggered by signs to which we’ve pre-assigned meanings. 

Certain associations aren’t made by us individually but by the collective, and we tend to adopt these automatically to shape the greater meaning of our life.  Some are helpful, like sunsets being associated with spiritual beauty.  Some are damaging, like snorting coccaine being associated with glamour.  As long as the association is attractive to us, it will draw us to that thing.  If we want to stay away from it, we need to change our association to it to something that repels us.  Negative association like this can be used in a positive way, such as in stopping an unhealthy habit. 

Imagine having negative associations to most things in life, where everything you see is a symbol of bleakness, hopelessness and horror.  Who would want to live in a world like that?  My world was very much like that, and no wonder I constantly sought to opt out of life. 

Today, as I celebrate my 40th birthday, I feel myself filling up rather than being depleted.  I feel more abundant than ever, as if life begins on this day.  Am I tricking myself, trying to convince myself that I feel good to cover up bitter feelings about growing older?  You know, I genuinely feel this good.  Is it manufactured?  In a way, because I no longer choose to make myself feel bad every opportunity I get.  I choose something else.  Looking for opportunities to feel good has become second nature that feeling good is now natural.

 

December 28, 2008

The Transformational Effects Of Remorse

Posted by Amyra under Addictions, Ego, Gratitude, Healing, Inner Peace, Internal Conflicts, Remorse, Responsibility, Self-Judgements, Shame
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In my work as an addiction counsellor, I often encounter issues of shame behind substance abuse.  The influence of shame on self-destructive habits looks something like this: 

A person grew up with a belief that he is unworthy, damaged or a bad person.  He struggles with the pain and fear generated by this underlying belief and attempts to invalidate the belief through his actions and behaviours.  At the same time, because he has not reconciled his fear of this belief, he tends to perpetuate acts that substantiate the belief. 

In other words, he is driven to prove this belief wrong (he does not want to believe it is true), and yet he does hold the belief to be true which makes him create opportunities to behave as if he is unworthy or a bad person – each action reinforcing in him that he is indeed unworthy or a bad person and widening the gap between what he wants to belief about himself and what the evidence is showing him.  This internal conflict creates a great deal of pain.  Drugs and alcohol usually come in as a coping strategy to take away this pain.    

In recovery, the process begins with facing the truth of what a person’s life has become, taking responsibility for her role in creating the painful situations she now faces as she takes stock of her past actions, and linking certain patterns to her behaviours.  Without the effects of drugs and alcohol, she now feels the true intensity of her emotional pains.  The job of a counsellor is to help the client heal these pains and reconcile her relationship with herself.      

How do you reconcile the fear that you are a bad person when the evidence is stacking up against you? 

First of all, you need to stop the behaviours that reinforce that you are a bad person; you must stop acting as if you are a bad person.  Having the awareness of your patterns and tendencies, it is now in your power to clean up your actions.  As you clean up your actions and heal the effects of your past actions, you begin to redeem yourself in your own eyes and move away from believing that you are a bad person. 

But merely changing your behaviours isn’t enough.  If you haven’t reconciled the pains in you, in time you will return to behaving in your old ways.  You must feel the remorse of your actions and move through a process of reconciling it within yourself. 

What does this reconciliation look like? 

A pain starts with a judgement we hold about ourselves as a result of something we have done or failed to do.  Feel the remorse – the shame, guilt and regret – until the energy moves and changes to an openness where you’re able to see the pain in a new light.  In this new energy, you’re able to move into forgiveness and eventually into gratitude as you gain an appreciation of the higher purpose of your pain. 

This is a simplified description of the process of reconciliation as there is no formula for everyone and everytime – it simply describes the general movement of the process.  It is not a process that can be forced or rushed.  The remorse needs to be felt and understood emotionally before we can reconcile with it. 

There is tremendous power in remorse.  If we allow ourselves to experience it properly, it cleanses us of who we’ve thought we were and enable us to move forward in our lives with a renewed sense of self.  Remorse breaks down the resistance we hold inside us which prevents us from growing.  It relaxes our ego’s hold on us and fills us with a sense of humbleness which grows into a spiritual awareness as we begin to realise that our actions have a domino effect on the entire world.  As we follow the effects of the power of our actions we find that it comes back to us in a complete circle of cause and effect, and this realisation can put the power back into our hands – the power to change and affect our world positively. 

Waterfall Union

 

October 18, 2008

Boredom: A Golden Door Or Block?

Posted by Amyra under Addictions, Boredom, Channah Thailand, Fear of Success, Full Immersion, Passion, Presence, Unworthiness
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In my work to help people get off drugs and alcohol, I keep hearing “boredom” cited as a reason for substance abuse.  A lot of self-destructive behaviours are motivated by boredom – when life seems meaningless and no longer interesting, we seek out ways to inject more fun, danger, madness into our lives. 

Why do our lives become so boring?  The question we need to ask first is, why do we become bored with life? 

Human beings by nature seek stimulation, because we seek to grow.  Without stimulation, there can be no growth.  Stimulation implies movement, and growth is a movement.  Our deepest core is made up of a vibrant and creative energy that is alive all the time.  This is the core of who we really are.  Stagnation of any kind dampens our spirit and kills the passion in us.  We feel bored so we seek new experiences and in the process we enrich our lives and grow through the experiences. 

Life does not always become interesting for you, you have to look for the interesting bits.  And when you do look, you will likely discover an abundance of those bits.  One of the marvels of life is that we can make it the way we choose – if we look at it as boring, we will find evidence of it being boring; if we look at it as a treasure map and look enthusiastically for the treasures, we will find them. 

Life has the potential to be interesting, stimulating, exciting, enriching and fun.  Since our deepest being is also all of those, we only need to open our hearts and bridge to that potential.  When life seems boring, we are to push past that boredom and get to joy and beauty.  Boredom is often an illusion. 

A lot of people give up too quickly when faced with boredom.  They resign to the idea that life cannot be any more interesting, so they turn to using drugs.  Drugs is a quick fix.  But when the drugs wear off, the boredom is still there.  So it drives them to take more drugs to get more excitement, but that excitement is an illusion.  We can only trick ourselves momentarily and we quickly realise this, so we also quickly become addicted to drugs to maintain that illusion. 

People in recovery from drug addiction often start discovering that life can be exciting without drugs.  One of the most rewarding aspects of my work is to facilitate that process and witness someone’s discovery of joy when they peel the layers of their existence.  Often, that discovery comes when they allow themselves to slow down and deepen into the moment – which means becoming more present in the experience. 

Sometimes, after we’ve deepened into an experience, we realise that it really isn’t for us and then we opt for something else.  But if we don’t give ourselves the chance to find out, we might miss out on what might be an enriching experience.  Seek to deepen rather than to constantly move laterally.  Doing the latter tends to leave a trail of unfinished projects and a less-than-fulfilling life.  When we give ourselves the chance to find out more about an experience we are already in, we’re more likely to create more joy in our lives.  Even if an experience isn’t good for us, we’d only find the clarity to make changes after we’ve deepened into it. 

The word “flat” is sometimes used to imply boredom.  It’s an apt description because boredom makes our existence feel like a flat sheet that lies in front of us.  It is not that our existence has become flat, it’s that we have been cruising along life with a flat attitude – just passing time and not deepening into our experience.  If we gave ourselves the chance to find out by participating fully in life, looking beyond the apparent boredom, we would open a door which opens to more doors exponentially. 

Boredom a resistance to feeling

Sometimes boredom is a resistance to feeling uncomfortable feelings.  In terms of resistance, boredom falls into the same category as numbness (when we cannot feel), detachment and laziness.  If we feel bored, we’d want to stop what it is we’re doing and do something else, so we don’t stay in one place long enough to experience what is going to come.  Fear of experiencing discomfort should we stayed long enough can motivate us to manufacture boredom to get us to escape from feeling that discomfort.  Boredom can gives us the excuse to not participate in life. 

We may also manufacture boredom as a defence against feeling good feelings.  If we have a fear of success or grapple with feelings of unworthiness, the onset of opening up to a space of expansiveness where positive feelings and outcomes are possible can be a scary prospect.  So we put a block to it to stop ourselves from going into that space, and we manifest among other things boredom.  When we feel boredom, we can then tell ourselves that we’ve hit a wall and so we need to change our route. 

People who are addicted to drugs are prone to feeling bored easily (or people who get bored easily often become addicted to drugs).  In recovery, the responsible approach is to be honest about the emotions we feel and raise our awareness around our behaviours.  We stay with what is happening inside of us, address our conflicts and grieve our losses.  Drugs and alcohol allow us to escape from all these processes which are very scary to a lot of people, so instead of confronting what is happening, they create boredom to get out of it.  (This, of course, is often done without their conscious awareness – our fears often play out from the depths of our psyche.)          

In this case, we would stop feeling bored easily once the real issues are dealt with, our inner conflicts reconciled and our pains healed.  Boredom would no longer have a place in our lives, and suddenly, life becomes a whole lot more interesting – in a more stable, calmer way. 

Ultimately, passion and excitement are found within us.  We may seek something outside of us to feel stimulated but we can feel stimulated whether or not we encounter anything new in our external world.  When we are able to feel inspired and joyful without any external stimulus, our behaviours change to become more loving and self-loving.  Our external world instantly transforms into a playground full of fun and vibrancy.  But we’ve got to give ourselves that chance of finding this out.

 

September 4, 2008

Celebrating The Spirit Of Humanity

Posted by Amyra under Healing, Inspiration, Spiritual Self
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Every now and then, I am reminded of the richness and depth that is found in the human spirit.  In the materialistic world in which we live, we tend to relate to one another on a superficial level, and the human spirit is often concealed from our perception.  Since the materialistic world thrives on power struggles, our motivation has been lowered to “how do I get more?”.  In our drive to rise above others as the biggest, strongest, richest, best, we dampen the spirits of those with whom we interact. 

In such a world where we’re often caught in a web of low-level struggles – petty fights, judgements, jealousy, control, one-upmanship, greed, grandiosity – the beauty of the human spirit is hidden from us most of the time.  We simply do not see the spirit behind a person, we see only the person’s physical appearance and persona.  Consequently, we lose respect for humanity as we see our fellow human beings either as flawed or as candidates for competition. 

Occasionally, we’re able to sense something greater in a person other than their body and persona.  The pursuit of a dream, the courageous healing of long-held pain, an altruistic act, a great surrender, a creative expression, an uninhibited expression of joy and freedom …. they reveal the greater truth about the spirit of humanity. 

The spirit of humanity is capable of a great many things.  Yet we’ve been conditioned to express ourselves as small, weak, ugly and powerless beings – devoid of the spirit that gives us depth in our existence.  We act as if our spirits do not exist.  Our spirit has an intelligence that surpasses logic – one that includes but not limited to our deductive reasoning.  When we express ourselves from the level of our spirit, unfettered by our self-made fears, we tap into a vast potential within ourselves.  We begin to show ourselves and others that who we thought we were is just the tip of the iceberg, or not even real. 

The way into our spirit is through our emotional self.  We feel it first as a stirring in our emotional self.  That emotional connection is a bridge to our spiritual self.  For a lot of people, however, their emotional self has been hardened from a long time of keeping unprocessed pain, and their sensitivity is deadened against any spiritually-moving experiences.  As such, they cannot be touched nor inspired by the spirit of humanity.  In protecting their pain, they remain bitter, hard, critical and controlling – they miss out on seeing humans in their full potential and the world seems unfair to them.  The great spirit of humanity is lost to them. 

I often see or hear of people who’ve gone through an emotional healing to experience a spiritual opening.  As the heart heals, the door to our spirit opens.  We experience ourselves, or others, as more than just flesh and mind.  As we experience ourselves as spirits, we automatically open up to a world where so much more is in store for us. 

In ending, I would like to share this poem written by a friend.  She shared it as a song, sung to a beautiful tune she’d composed on her guitar.  Listening to her had inspired this post. 

Her name was Mary
Her dreams took her soul and it travelled the world
She saw veins, lies, truths
Everything conceivable, existable,
She saw the rings on every bark
She saw the specks of sand on their feet
She soared
The millions of galaxies, stars, suns,
She looked over herself, this being exists
She saw heaven before this body died
“I’m finally free”
She saw her lover weeping by her side
Waiting for her to come back – mind and soul
love over freedom
She thought about this flesh – this gift, this life
It’s time, she thought
It’s time to live this dream

 

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